May 31, 2005

10:20 P.M.

- Bakit mo pinatay yung TV?

- E wala na namang papanoorin e.

- OK.

- Higa ka na.

- Ha?

- Para comfortable ka na.

- Wait, saan ako pwedeng mag-sabit ng polo? Baka kasi masyadong malukot.

- Sa may malapit sa banyo. May sabitan doon.

- OK.

[Pagkatapos]

- Simulan na natin.

- Ang alin?

- Ano bang ipinunta mo dito?

- Ano nga ba? Para manood ng cable show?

- Haha. Ang kulet mo.

- Ako makulet? Hindi ah!

- Lick my nipples.

- Ha?

- Lick my nipples. Now.

- (Demanding ha?) [Making licking, sucking sounds]

- [Moaning…] Yung kabila din.. Ahh..

- [Lumipat sa kabila. Making licking, sucking sounds]

- Yeah.. Ahhh.. Now go down.

- [Natigil sa ginagawa] Ha? You mean bumaba ako sa kama?

- No, I mean suck my dick…

- (Nyay!) OK. [Lick the head, and then suck the shaft.]

- Sarap.. Ahhh.. Ohh..

- [Nahinto sa ginagawa.] Masakit ba?

- Ang kulet mo! Hindi po masakit, masarap po.

- Ah.. OK. [Balik sa ginagawa]

- Ahh.. Ohhh..

- [Kahit napipilitan, tuloy pa rin]

- Ahh.. Ohh… Wait.

- [Natigil na naman] What?

- [Tatalikod] Kiss my butt.

- [Gulat na gulat] HA!!!!!!!!!??!!!!!!!

- Kiss my butt.

- [Nag-isip] (Grabe, sobrang puti ng puwet!) Errr, can I fuck you?

- Ha? Di ba top ako, ikaw bottom?

- Oo nga, pero I really want to fuck your butt.

- Nope. Can I fuck you instead?

- [Nag-isip] Nope. Almost one year na akong hindi nagbo-bottom e.

- Please??? Please???

- [Nag-isip muli] Sige na nga. Please be gentle.

- [Masaya] Don’t worry, may lube ako jan. [Biglang may inaabot sa drawer. KY Jelly pala] O, lube yourself.

- (Eto ang attack of the giant, na may maliit na dick.) [Putting lube sa ass]

- Ok na?

- Wait. [Continue rubbing lube]

- Pwede na yan.

- O ayan, OK na.

- Upuan mo ako.

- Ha?

- Hold my dick. Shoot mo sa ass mo.

- OK. [Tries to concentrate] Ayaw e.

- Talikod ka.

- (Syet, dog style ito!) [Tumalikod naman]

- Ohh.. [Concentrate na concentrate sa ginagawa.] Ayaw ah!

- [Humihikab] Na shoot mo na?

- Lie on your back.

- Ha? OK. (Syet, V-position ito!)

- [Put on more lube.] Ohh..

- [Humihikab pa rin]

- Ahh.. Tensed ka yata e.

- [Gulat] Ako tensed? Cool nga ako ngayon e.

- Try ko ulit. [Sinubukan muli, at muli, at muli…]

- Wala pa ba?

- Ayaw talaga e. [Tunog frustrated. Tumayo, nagtungo sa banyo at nagbuhos]

- (Hahaha!)

- [Humihingal. Jinajakol na lang ang dick] Ayaw talaga. Papalabas na lang ako. [Tuloy pa rin sa pagjakol] Lick my nipples.

- [Always obedient] OK. [Licks the nipples]

- Suck me again.

- [Nagdadalawang-isip.] (Nalinis kaya niya dick niya?)

- Suck me, please, malapit na ako..

- OK. [Sucks again the limp dick.] (Ang liit talaga!)

- Ahhh, aahh, I’m coming!

- [Niluwa agad ung dick saka tinuloy sa pagjajakol] (I don’t want you coming in my mouth!)

- Ahhh, lapit na!

- Syet!

- Ohhhh! [Nilabasan na, todo sa hingal ang higanteng ito]

- OK ka lang?

- Sarap mo!

- Salamat!

- Next time uli ah? Fuck na talaga kita.

- (HA?!!!!! Wala na pong next time!)

June 1, 2005

12:20 A.M.

- Bye!

- Bye! (Forever!)

Music :: Lumingon Ka Lang - Sarah Geronimo
Book :: The Manila Bulletin
Show :: Porno Flick
Mood :: silly

Anything?

Today is my 23rd birthday. Although wala namang mangyayaring espesyal, happy ako kasi umabot ako sa "age of reason" (hahaha!). I must now carry the wisdom of a 23-year-old...

***

This is one of my cheesy essay on my being single:

Ai Shiteru. Iya Iwan de Ii.

(Love You. No, Don’t Say It.)

Always hard to get a bus ride home, even though it is a perfect night and the moon and stars are bright and I just heard “Another Suitcase in Another Hall” from someone’s radio

And then I think of you.

Always impossible not to think about you, as if I learned your name from my terror high school teacher, that your voice is the one pulling me to earth’s ground, that your eyes are windows to my soul. Always impossible to escape the curse you might have put on me. Is it your smile? I would not discern because

I am frightened to know

that all the while every thing is a joke, that the perfect night with the bright moon and stars is not true, that this bus ride home is just an illusion.

I am afraid to fall for you.

All my life, I see love giggling behind a door. I see love staring at me from a painting on the museum’s wall. I see love rushing from page to page of a novel I finished reading last night. I meet love on a rainy afternoon while walking from work, getting me all wet. I feel love in a crowded coffee shop while I take a sip from my cup. I ogle at love in a chilly and lonesome movie house.

You know the feeling of love rushing and gushing all over your senses and since you have no one to share this feeling it transforms into tears, and you can not explain why you are suddenly crying over something you can not identify? Moment like this is a killer.

And then I find myself at the edge of a great river, contemplating on the fact that there must be a magnificent force that let the water flow to the ocean, how the fishes find the way to their final destiny (either a bigger fish’s belly or human’s), and how small rocks are taken by the flowing of the river and deposited to the ocean’s depth.

What will guide me to your heart, my final sanctuary?

Out of one million times I fall in love, I lost. I am let shattered and destroyed, but I do not have the right to show that. So here I am laughing while deep inside I am crying, devastated not having the courage to tell you that I love you, or knowing that I can not love you. And every day becomes difficult day to get a bus ride home, always a stormy day with thick black clouds hovering above my head, and I hear that shitty love song as someone’s ring tone.

And then I think of you and the words I want to say

***

Ito naman ang tula ko para sa sarili ko:

Alas-kuwatro ng hapon

Isa-isa nang
nalalagas
ang mga dahon
ng punong
mangga,
habang ang paslit
ay
nakamasid pa rin
sa saranggola niyang
sumabit
sa sanga.

***

This particular message is from Mr. Batuta:

=======================================================================

maligayang kaarawan, rhodge! nagdadalaga ka na. bawal na ang mag chinese garter, bawal na ang bumuka-bukaka, bawal na ang umakyat sa puno. pero pwede ka nang makipag-date, makipaglaplapan sa sinehan, maglasing hanggang sa magwala ka at maghubad dahil sa hindi mo na alam ang ginagawa mo. hehe. para sa iyo to, rhodge. isang tula ni ninong pablo. ikaw ay maihahambing ko sa isang wine.

ODE TO WINE

 

Day-colored wine,

night-colored wine, 

wine with purple feet

or wine with topaz blood,

wine,

starry child

of earth,

wine, smooth

as a golden sword,

soft

as lascivious velvet,

wine, spiral-seashelled

and full of wonder,

amorous,

marine;

never has one goblet contained you,

one song, one man,

you are choral, gregarious,

at the least, you must be shared.

At times

you feed on mortal

memories;

your wave carries us

from tomb to tomb,

stonecutter of icy sepulchers,

and we weep

transitory tears;

your

glorious

spring dress

is different,

blood rises through the shoots,

wind incites the day,

nothing is left

of your immutable soul.

Wine

stirs the spring, happiness

bursts through the earth like a plant,

walls crumble,

and rocky cliffs,

chasms close,

as song is born.

A jug of wine, and thou beside me

in the wilderness,

sang the ancient poet.

Let the wine pitcher

add to the kiss of love its own.

My darling, suddenly

the line of your hip

becomes the brimming curve

of the wine goblet,

your breast is the grape cluster,

your nipples are the grapes,

the gleam of spirits lights your hair,

and your navel is a chaste seal

stamped on the vessel of your belly,

your love an inexhaustible

cascade of wine,

light that illuminates my senses,

the earthly splendor of life.

But you are more than love,

the fiery kiss,

the heat of fire,

more than the wine of life;

you are the community of man,

translucency,

chorus of discipline,

abundance of flowers.

I like on the table,

when we're speaking,

the light of a bottle

of intelligent wine.

Drink it,

and remember in every

drop of gold,

in every topaz glass,

in every purple ladle,

that autumn labored

to fill the vessel with wine;

and in the ritual of his office,

let the simple man remember

to think of the soil and of his duty,

to propagate the canticle of the wine.

=====================================================================

 

***

Ito nga pala ang ibig sabihin ng pangalan ko:

Description of Your First Name of: Rogerick

Although the name Rogerick creates the urge to understand others, we emphasize that it causes a restless intensity that spoils relaxation and causes instability in your life. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the fluid systems, and solar plexus.

Your name of Rogerick makes you quick-minded, versatile, and very expressive. You are adaptable and creative in responding to new situations. This name has given you an interest in people and a desire for new experiences. You have the ability to create a favourable first impression, and so you could do well in the fields of sales promotion or entertainment. The use of this name creates a lack of stability in your affairs as you are inclined to procrastinate or to be too impulsive in your decision making.  

 

***

Maraming salamat sa mga sumusunod:

Kay Lord Almighty, sa mga biyaya, pagkakataon at pagsubok;

Sa family ko: Daddy, Mommy, at sa apat kong kapatid;

Sa barkada ko, The Familia, sa mga gabay;

Sa Pinoypoets, sa pagiging bahagi ng aking buhay-panulaan;

Sa officemates ko sa OPM, mga masasandigan ko sa oras ng kagipitan;

Mga kaibigan at kaaway;

At higit sa lahat, sa Kanya, nasaan man siya...

Music :: Happy Birthday To You - Geri Halliwell
Book :: Pulotgata - Danton Remoto
Show :: Masarap ang Bawal
Mood :: Masayang-masaya!

Anything?

I used Camay soap today. Ewan kung bakit iyon ang binili ng Nanay ko, since ang pamilya ko ay laking-Safeguard. Siguro, nagandahan siya kay Cindy Kurleto kaya iyon ang nabili niya, para magmukhang-Cindy Kurleto din ang mga anak niya (me included!)

Isa lang naman kasi ang masasabi ko sa TV commercial na iyon ni Cindy: ANG GANDA MO!

May attachment kasi ako sa commercial na ito, for three reasons:

1. Maganda talaga si Cindy sa commercial na iyon. Sobrang sensous ang dating niya. Napapaisip tuloy ako, pati na rin siguro ang milyung-milyon na viewers: kapag gumamit ka ng Camay soap, ergo, magiging kamukha mo na si Cindy. Sana totoo ang logic na ito.

2. Ang guguwapo ng mga nakuhang male models doon. Ung male lead, uber libog ang dating! Tapos, ung mga sumunod na commercial, un bang guys na nagsasalita/pumupuri sa kanilang GFs, sobrang kakalibog. Lalo na ung semi-kal, I know he's from Cebu e, tapos nag-model na din siya for Bench.

3. Na-meet ko na (hopefully natatandaan niya ako!) ang voice talent sa commercial na iyon (Soft, scented, smooth... Camay, at 10.50 per sachet.) , si Ms. Joyce Titular. Member kasi siya ng poetry group na Pinoypoets. Everytime na naririnig ko yung voice niya, naiinggit ako kasi ang sensual ng pagkakasabi niya ng lines niya doon. Super galing!

Napanood nyo na ba ung 2nd part ng commercial na ito? Ung mga guys na nag-uusap sa locker room tungkol sa isang girl na uber kinis daw (referring to Cindy), tapos nag-react ung male lead na: "Pinag-uusapan nyo ba ang girlfriend ko?" (Cindy, ANG GANDA MO TALAGA! KAKAINGGIT!)

Balik sa first part. Akala ko talaga, pati ng mga sibling ko, na mag-asawa (young couple) sila nung guy at ni Cindy. Tapos sa second part, malinaw na sinabi niya na girlfriend niya lang pala ito. Hmmm, so ibig sabihin, live-in na ang mga main character sa commercial???

Sana, sa isang milyong beses kong paggamit ng Camay soap, mapalitan ko na si Cindy sa commercial na iyon!

Aja!

***

Olats talaga ang Team PILIPINAS sa FedEx-FIBA Cup. Talo na sila sa Islamic Republic of Iran, talo pa din sila sa Lebanon! Anubayan!

Puro yabang lang ba kasi? Huwag naman sana.

***

Sa Lunes, June 6, wala na si Ryan Agoncillo sa Breakfast Supersize sa Studio 23. Balik Channel 2 siya, via the revamped Magandang Umaga Pilipinas, kasama muli sina Julius Babao at Tintin Bersola. Mawawala na din sina Ogie Diaz at Niña Corpuz sa MUB (or MUP na). Surely, mami-miss ko ang pagkanta ng "Huwag diyan! Huwag diyan! May kiliti ako diyan! Huwag diyan!"

***

Puro replay na lang ang Madeleine. Wala bang new episodes?

***

Dahil umulan kagabi, malabo ang Studio 23 namin. Hindi ko tuloy napanood ang Desperate Housewives (oo, wala kaming cable). Waaah!

I heard na maggi-guest daw si Oprah sa show na ito. Wow, hanep!

***

Nakakainis talaga si Ericka sa All About Eve. Mamamatay daw siya sa ending. Buti na lang.

***

Ang ganda ng Memories of Bali! Ang ganda ng Memories of Bali! Ang ganda ng Memories of Bali!

***

Dahil birthday ko kahapon, naghanda ang mga magulang ko ng pansit. At dahil late na ako nakauwi (pasado alas-nuwebe) dahil nagsimba ako sa EDSA Shrine, ako ang umubos ng natira.

Buti na lang hindi ako naimpatso.

***

Salamat po muli sa mga bumati sa akin. Maraming-maraming salamat!

Music :: Here We Are - Don Moen
Book :: Twisted 7 - Jessica Zafra
Show :: Kung anu-ano
Mood :: nsa limbo kasi tag-ulan

4 Said So

Mabuti pa sina Kris Aquino at James Yap, nakita na nila ang isa’t isa.

Revelation to the nth power ang interview ni Kris sa The Buzz kahapon, to the point na speechless pareho sina Cristy Fermin at Boy Abunda. Sa lahat ng hoola-baloo na nag-circulate regarding Kris’s lovelife – Derek Ramsey, Rommel Adducul, Joey Marquez, etc. – ay un nga, engaged na pala siya kay James Yap, ang cutie cager from the UE Warriors.

Nainggit ako kay Kris nang sinabi niya na “straight to the point” nung nagtapat sa kanya si James. At saludo ako sa pag-ibig ng binata kay Kris.

I think true love na ito. Pero knowing Kris, madalas man niyang sabihing “This is it!” regarding her lovelife, ay pumapalpak pa rin. But her eyes show otherwise.

 

***

Guest si Judy Ann Santos sa bagong morning show na Magandang Umaga, Pilipinas over ABS-CBN Channel 2, kung saan host ang current beau niyang si Ryan Agoncillo. If ever na totoo nga ang tsismis na sila ng dalawa, sobrang jackpot sila pareho. At kahit anuman ang sabihin ng karamihan, I believe true love will prevail. Their clasped hands speak something.

Mabuti pa sina Juday at Ryan, nakita na nila ang isa’t-isa.

 

***

The Pinoypoets met last Saturday evening sa Whistlestop (supposed to be sa Mucho’s). Past 11 na ako umuwi, mag-isa.

Ayun, senti na naman sa airconditioned bus, thinking about…

Hoping, that one day, makita ko na ang kapares ng puso ko.

***

Mga kung anu-ano:

1. Bolunji pala ang title ng kantang LSS ko ngayon. Velcro band ang kumanta.

2. Ang sarap ng Nagaraya sweet-mini pretzels! Sobra!

Music :: Hindi Ko Maalis - Jay-Anne
Book :: Obverse - Pinoypoets
Mood :: limbo sa love

2 Said So

Ang lakas ng ulan kagabi, walang humpay sa pag-ulan sa magdamag. Ayun, paggising ko ay baha na sa aming labas. Hindi naman sa nagulat pa ako, dahil lagi namang nagbabaha sa amin.

Tiyak, masusubukan na naman ang aking "survival skills". Nakatira ka ba naman sa isang isla!

***

Mas lalo yatang nadidiin ang "Anak" ng Pangulo, si "Lion King", este, si Rep. Mickey Arroyo pala.

At ano naman ang audio cd na kumakalat against the Arroyo government? Hmm, mukhang may mga bombang naghihintay na lang na sumabog.

Kawawa na naman ang ordinayong Pinoy.

***

May mga bagay na dapat ay kinakalimutan, subalit lagi't-lagi kang binabalikan...

***

Sa Templo

            Kay E., para sa isang gabing kapiling siya

 Kagabi, hubad akong dumalaw
sa templo ng isang libo’t-isang Buddha.
At sila’y napanganga,

singkit na mga mata’y bumukas -
sapagkat mismong nasaksihan
ang pamumukadkad ng mga rosas

sa porselana kong balat.

 

© Rhodge Fernandez

 

***

Gusto kong manood ng Taiwanese gay film na Formula 17 sa Gateway Cinema. Sino pwede sumama?

 

Plot Summary: "Formula 17," the runaway smash hit comedy from Taiwan. Directed by DJ Chen, "Formula 17" is revolutionary in its honest, touching, and hilarious depiction of Taiwanese gay teen life. "Formula 17" chronicles the life of Tien, an innocent 17-year old boy who goes to the big city for a summer of love and adventure. On his very first night in Taipei, he locks eyes with the irresistible and irredeemable Bai, rumored to be the biggest playboy known to mankind. Will the two boys meet and fall in love?

 

Music :: The Actor - Michael Learns to Rock
Book :: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - JK Rowling
Mood :: sad kasi tag-ulan

Anything?

Sa sobrang sama ng lagay ng edukasyon dito sa Pilipinas, bumababa na ang antas ng kalidad ng ating mga estudyante. Hindi na sila competitive sa paghahanap ng trabaho, lokal man o abroad. Ang kalunus-lunos dito, ang naaapektuhan ay ang mga mahihirap, sapagkat ang mga mayayaman ay nakakapag-aral sa mga paaralan kahit na napakataas pa ng tuition.

Sabi ng prof ko sa Graduate School (na teacher ng Law sa Ateneo de Manila University), kailangang i-abolish ang mga school na kagaya ng La Salle, Ateneo, Benilde, para ma-level out  ang opportunity ng bawat isang Pilipino student, mayaman man o mahirap.

 

RELATED ARTICLE:

Philippine Star
June 2, 2005
Metro
p.14

Nude protest at U-Belt

Some 15 male youths ran naked around the University
Belt near Malacañang in Manila yesterday, saying they
wanted to “bare the government's shortcomings” in
education funding.

The activists, members of the Alyansa ng Nagkakaisang
Lakas ng Kabataan, stripped at the foot of the Chino
Roces Bridge in Mendiola after emerging from a parked
Mitsubishi L-300 van.

With “Education for All” written on their bodies in
red paint, the activists snarled traffic and drew
giggles from passing females.

At one point, they attempted to cross the barricade
leading to Malacañang, but were stopped by police who
forced them to briefly parade—covered only with caps
and dark glasses—in the middle of a traffic-choke
road.

They also lay down on the scorching road, some
spreading their legs, before a throng of photographers
and TV cameramen.

Leonardo de los Reyes, spokesman of the grop, said the
protest “symbolized” the naked truth on the difficult
education in the country due to poor investment
resulting in 13.4 million out of school youths.

“We are here not to show our bodies but to bare the
government's shortcomings,” he said.

They cited the shortage of classrooms and assailed the
unrestrained increase in tuition and miscellaneous
fees.

The police did not arrest any of the protesters who
after the rally boarded a van and left without any
incident.

--Nestor Etolle, AP

***

Na-inlove na naman ako sa high school classmate at friend kong ito. He's Mark Ryan, currently working for an advertising company.
Sarap tuloy balikan ang high school days namin.

 

 

Music :: Secret Love - Mariah Carey
Book :: Libre
Show :: Shutter
Mood :: silly

Anything?

Headline ngayong araw na ito sa Inquirer Libre:

 

Tulungan n'yo po anak ko - Ina ng nakatakdang pugutan sa Saudi Arabia tiklop-tuhod na nagsusumamo kay GMA 

 

This is in reference kay Rey Cortez, isang Overseas Filipino Worker, na hinatulang mamatay sa Saudi Arabia matapos umanong patayin niya ang isang drayber na Pakistani noong 2002. Sinabi niya na nagawa niya ito dahil sa pagtatanggol sa sarili.

Noong unang narinig ko ito sa balita, nainis ako na bakit inilalakad pa ng Migrante, isang NGO, at ng pamilya ni Cortez na tulungan sila ng gobyerno, partikular ang Department of Foreign Affairs, na tulungan si Cortez sa kanyang kaso.  Naisip ko, bakit pa? Tutal kung guilty naman talaga siya, bakit kailangan pa siyang tulungan ng gobyerno natin? Sabi ko sa sarili ko, iyan ang mahirap sa mga Filipino e, gagawa ng kasalanan sa ibang bansa tapos pag nagipit ng tuluyan ay mangungunsimi sa mga opisyal ng gobyerno. Tsk...

Isang email mula sa kaibigan ang nagpalinaw sa aking pananaw sa kasong ito. Ito ang email niya sa akin, ng minsang may kinukulit ako sa kanya:

Rhodge,

Sabi ng iba, i mean based on postings in certain YGs, conducive daw for gays ang Saudi. I think so, too. Although, in general, mahigpit ang restrictions ng Saudi. in fact, officially, bawal dito ang homosexuality.

Filipino gays thrive here because, as it is, mas maraming lalaki (Expat workers of all nationalities) kesa babae. At kung meron mang babae, napakahigpit ng rules, as in hindi mo pwedeng lapitan, kausapin, o tabihan ang women (unless anak mo o asawa mo), kasi bawal sa Moslem tradition. Siempre bukod pa dito ang usual kwento na nakatakip normally ang kababaihan ng long, black dress (called abaya); and Saudi and other Arab women especially are covered with only their eyes exposed.  You cannot even be with your wife or
relative in public places without a written documentation.

Of course, there are ways to go around rules, pero siempre, bakit mo naman i-endanger ang sarili mo, right? Bukod sa magastos mambabae dito, kasi (1) uupa ka ng transport, unless ganun kalaki ang sweldo mo to afford it or the company provided it for you which is very seldom; (2) uupa kayo ng bahay; (3) documentation - kung me asawa ka sa Pinas, magpapa-convert sa Muslim just so you can marry somebody again; and, (4) women also take advantage of the situation.

SO, ang natural tendency ng lalaki, either they bring their wife here for vacation (which costs a lot, for the visa, housing, transport, etc); be content with hand-jobs (na siempre, kakasawa din); or, as in many cases, papatol na lang sa bading, temporarily or for long-term relationships. Ang tawag ng mga lalaking Pinoy sa ganun, "magpa-alaga..." For those whose salary are meager, espcecially those in the factories and the food service, however, financial rewards din ang habol (sabi nila, nakaraos ka na me pamasahe ka pa).

But, of course, gays here have to be very discreet. Hindi pwede ang actuations ng iba (make-up, kembot na maglakad, etc). some even chooses to change their religion para lang hindi pag-initan ng "cultural or religious police" na Saudi.

Marami akong barkada (six pairs, actually) na together for 5 years at the very least, the longest was 12. The guys usually have a wife and a family in the Philippines (in 4 out of the 6 cases), pero, siempre, iba lang ang "asawa" nila dito. In most cases (3/6), alam na ng wife sa Pinas na me asawang bading ang lalaki dito sa Saudi. In the said three cases, surrender na si babae na me kahati sya to the point na best of friends na sila (usually, nagiging ninong ng anak si bading).

Although, there are also rare cases of Pinoys having relationships with foreigners, whites or arabs. With non-Saudi Arabs, the tendency is to drift apart when the guy gets married. Saudis who get into such relationships, tends to be very generous (bigyan ka agad ng appliances after the first meeting) but very possesive (seloso) and yet, pag inayawan ka na nila, ipapasa ka nila sa barkada nila o relative nila. Meron ding Arabs na ang hanap ay paraos lang, na ginagawa namang part-time work ng ibang kababayan natin. Note, that ALL this information was a result of numerous discussions with certain groups of Filipino gays in different parts of Riyadh. 

Siempre, ang lahat ng ito ay may implications sa image natin bilang Pinoy. For example, ang pananaw ng karamihan ng mga Pakistani taxi drivers, basta Pilipino, bading. They even equate being "friends" as being fuck-buddies (I am speaking from experience on this one, a nightmarish experience to say the least). Isang very recent exposition on this issue is Rey Cortez, the OFW from Pampanga na nakapatay ng Pakistani taxi driver because he was sexually harassed inside the taxi and is now facing death penalty. 

O hayan. Yan na po ang summary ng aking study on homosexuality dito sa Riyadh.

 

Malinaw na dahil sa proliferation ng gay activities ng mga Pinoy sa Saudi, naba-brand na tuloy na pag Filipino ka, "bading" or "parausan (?)"  ang tingin sa iyo ng ibang nationalities. [Parang yung sa isang Western dictionary na ang definition ng Filipino ay domestic helper.] Kagaya ng nangyari kay Cortez, na malamang ay pinagtangkaang "babuyin" ng napatay niyang Pakistani driver.

Naisip ko tuloy, kasalanan pa pala ito ng mga "kapatid" na nagtratrabaho doon. Nasira na kaya ng tuluyan ang imahe ng migrant workers sa Saudi Arabia? Dapat nga ba silang sisihin, o mga biktima din sila ng pagkakataon?

Isa po ako sa kasamang nananalangin na mailigtas mula sa kamatayan si Rey Cortez.

GMA, mother, maawa ka. 

Music :: Heal Me O Lord - Don Moen
Book :: Inquirer Libre
Mood :: sympathetic

Anything?

 

 

 

Hail to the Pink Film Festival!

 

I remember the time when a friend commented on a poem I had written with a line: “…where our skies are always bubblegum pink..” [Birth of a Queer Nation], she said “Why pink? It is so obvious!” Sabi nga din ng character ni Kris Aquino sa pelikulang So Happy Together ng nag-comment siya sa suot na pink shirt ng bestfriend niyang ginagampanan ni Eric Quizon: “Bakit ka naka-pink? Bading ka na nga, naka-pink ka pa. So redundant.”

Sabagay, bakit nga pala pink pag bading ka? Noong una, wala din akong mahagilap na sagot. Until last night.

The 3rd  Pink Film Festival  premiered at Gateway Cinema from June 3 to 12, with a second leg at UP Film Institute on June 8 to 14. One of the movies shown at the festival was Formula 17 (or 17-Year-old's World). [Truly, Gateway Mall is today's gay mecca!]

The opening remarks of last night's show host emphasized that the inclusion of the color pink in the festival's name refers to the pink color marked in the skin of gays and lesbians included in the Nazi concentration camps, as a sign that these people should be obliterated in this world.

With this color, now a color of pride, the gays and lesbians of today are hoping that there should be equality amongst men.

SO, gays of the world, wear your pink birthmark with pride, for it reminds us the unselfish sacrifices of the gay men and women who gave us our present so-called freedom.

***

 

FORMULA 17

Its Chinese title is 17-Year-Old's World. Short summary: A bashful country bumpkin named Tien treks north to Taipei to rendezvous with a chat room acquaintance. The meeting is a disaster but soon Tien falls for the notorious playboy Bai. What follows is essentially boy wants boy, boy gets boy, boy loses boy, boy regains boy.

This can be an ordinary setting for a soap opera, with the proliferation of Chinovelas in the country. But this time, with a twist!

I fell in love with Formula 17. Although incomparable with Lan Yu and Farewell My Concubine, this Cantopop/bubblegum movie truly works. This is also my first time na makapanood ng isang gay movie na masaya ang lahat, unlike the previous two na tragic ang storyline.

Maraming higlights ang movie. Almost hilarious ang ibang scenes, thanks to the riot trio of character Tien's friends.

 

Kahit Pinoy ka, makaka-relate ka sa mga eksena na overkill na sa straight Pinoy movies: tampisawan at landian sa dagat, masasagasaan ang bida at ililigtas siya ng mahal niya, ang drama ng pagiging heartbroken, at hulihan ng tingin...

Ang catch dito, cute ang main stars ng movie, ang mga straight sa totoong buhay na si Tony Yang bilang ang probinsyanong si Tien, at si Duncan Chow bilang ang playboy na si Bai.  Actually, Duncan is beautiful, nakakahawig niya si Joyce Jimenez. Watch out for the kissing scenes at bed scene; ang isang kissing scene nila dito ay sa pool ginawa habang naka-submerge sila. At based sa reaction ng audience kagabi, accounted na 70% ay straight (mostly students from La Salle and UP na pa-project ng profs nila) at 30% lang ang gay, ay uber kinilig sa mga romantic scenes nina Tien at Bai.

 

But the Best Actor trophy, kahit supporting role lang siya, ay karapat-dapat mapunta sa bestfriend ni Tien, whose name I mentally skipped. Riot na riot siya dito, at take note, ang ganda-ganda niya dito!

May gusto lang akong pagtuunan ng pansin sa pelikula:

1. Pag nananaginip si Tien ng tungkol sa true love niya, the scene is always the pool, him submitting himself to the depths of the water. Ganito nga siguro pag na-inlove ka, complete submission sa taong mahal mo, you always taking the great plunge of one true love.  

2. Nang naisigaw ni Tien na virgin pa siya, natigilan ang lahat ng nasa bar, at ang lahat ay napatayo at nagpalakpakan sa sinabi ni Tien. I don't know if this is a sad note sa gay youth natin, losing their vrginity at a young age, at madalas, sa isang tao na hindi niya mahal. Pinapamukha sa scene na iyon na great effort na sa panahon ngayon ang virgin ka pa at 17, na karapat-dapat na palakpakan (compliment or sarcasm) ang isang gay na virgin pa. 

3. Ang proliferation ng relationship or looking for a relationship sa internet or sa mobile phone. True na malaking bagay ang naidudulot ng makabagong teknolohiya sa pakikibagay ng isang bading sa ngayon, subalit habang lumalaki ang mundong ginagalawan niya, ay lumiliit naman ang chance niya na makakita ng true love. Sabi nga ng bestfriend ni Tien sa movie: "Have you found that true love?" [May term silang ginamit sa isang taong naniniwala sa true love - fossil!]

The following, for me, are the memorable lines from Formula 17:

"Love makes no sense at all."

"Love may run, but you can chase it."

Tien: "I'm tired [of this love chase].
Bai: "I'll carry you." 

A friend of Tien on Bai, after Bai broke Tien's heart: "Don't blame fate, because it's not the one you love that is cursed, but your heart."

"The three tenses of LOVE is love, love(d), love."

"sin2+cos2 equals 1."

"God, there's a word called LOVE in the world, and one needs courage to admit it."

"I'm not greedy, but I'll count up to 10."

Bai: "I love you."
Tien: "...You're crazy, and I hate you." 

Tien's bestfriend, after his brokeup with foreigner boyfriend Ray: "Like in most cases of long distance relationships, we both got tired."

 

More on Formula 17:

Directed by DJ Chen Yin-jung, "Formula 17" follows a virginal country boy
(Tony Yang) who comes to the big city in search of true love and promptly falls for a heartbreaker playboy Bai (Duncan Chow). The plot is pure formula: boy gets, loses, then gets boy again routine that can never go wrong with fantasy sequences, flashbacks, bright gay colors, funky humor and liberal blasts of bubblegum Cantopop sing-along songs.

Both stars, well built and undeniably good-looking, are heterosexuals and their female fans drool over seeing two straight guys kiss. Yang is a well-known soap opera hero in the TV series "First Love", "Love Train", and "Crystal Boys", while Chow starred in the soaps "Lover of Herb" and "Legend of Speed".

Despite the total lack of female characters, Filipino ladies and gays of all ages will nevertheless surely melt in the film's relentless bombardment of mushy elements - kissing one's reflection in a mirror, sulking after a breakup, writing "I love you" in the sand on a beach, syrupy phone conversations and gossiping about each other's romantic escapades.

But despite the formula, Chinese traditions are subverted at every turn with a queer twist. An old man the lovers meet on the street turns out to be gay providing not only a comical moment but also an exciting and liberating one. The Chiang Kai-shek Memorial Hall, an ultimate symbol of macho conservatism and the Asian melodrama of the fortuneteller's warnings become fixtures in the grand scheme of things in this totally gay utopia.

"Formula 17" debuted at the Taipei Film Festival in 2003, then played at the Pusan Film Festival and the Golden Horse Film Festival where Tony Yang won an award for best newcomer.

 

 

 

Music :: Loving You - Nina
Book :: Manila Bulletin
Mood :: inlove

Anything?

Ayokong mainis. Basta.

Last weekend was a loooooooooooong weekend for me and my family. Ang hirap pag gipit ka sa pera!

I am expecting na swesweldo kami ngayon, June 14, pero hindi pa pala nagagawa ang mga cheque namin, at kailangang papirmahan pa ito sa mga bossing namin, sina Ms. Pinky Marquez at Ms. Mitch Valdes.

Inaasahan pa naman ng pamilya ko ang sweldo ko ngayon. Sobra. Nung Sabado ng gabi, gumamit kami ng uling para maluto lang ang kakainin namin. Nagbibiruan kaming magkakapatid na kami ay "nagba-barbecue", para naman hindi nakakahiya sa mga kapitbahay namin (grabe kasi ang usok!). Kagabi lang naka-"utang" ng Gasul.

Ayokong lubos na magmaganda kasi mas may nahihirapan pa sa akin sa kalagayan nila sa buhay. Pero ang pera, kahit ano pang sabihin ng lolo mo, ay ang tanging nagpapaikot ng mundo. 

Isang malaking buntong-hininga ang dapat pakawalan: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

***

 

Sagittarius

Sagittarians have a positive outlook on life, are full of enterprise, energy, versatility, adventurousness and eagerness to extend experience beyond the physically familiar. They enjoy travelling and exploration, the more so because their minds are constantly open to new dimensions of thought. They are basically ambitious and optimistic, and continue to be so even when their hopes are dashed. Their strongly idealistic natures can also suffer many disappointments without being affected. They are honorable, honest, trustworthy, truthful, generous and sincere, with a passion for justice. They are usually on the side of the underdog in society they will fight for any cause they believe to be just, and are prepared to be rebellious. They balance loyalty with independence.

Sagittarians are usually modest and are often religious, with a strong sense of morality, though they tend to overemphasize the ethical codes they follow and worship beliefs about God rather than God Himself. This means that, negatively, they regard rigid, unloving, intolerant adherence to ritual and conventional codes as more important than the truths they symbolize or embody. They sometimes pay lip service to religions and political parties in which they have ceased to believe because the outward forms satisfy them, yet they may not hesitate to switch allegiance in politics or change their system of belief if they see personal advantage to themselves in doing so.

They have both profound and widely ranging minds, equipped with foresight and good judgement, and they can be witty conversationalists. They love to initiate new projects (they make excellent researchers) and have an urge to understand conceptions that are new to them. they think rapidly, are intuitive and often original, but are better at adapting than inventing and are at their best when working with colleagues of other types of character that compliment their own. They are strong-willed and good at organizing, a combination that gives them the ability to bring any project they undertake to a successful conclusion. Their generosity can be balanced by their extreme care at handling their resources.

Sagittarians are ardent, sincere and straightforward in love, normally conventional and in control of their sexual natures. Yet if thwarted, they may easily allow their failure to embitter their whole lives or they may revenge themselves upon the opposite sex by becoming cynically promiscuous. They are more apt then the average to make an uncongenial alliance. If their marriages are successful, they will be faithful spouses and indulgent parents; but their innate restlessness will inspire them to use even the most satisfying ménage as a base from which to set out on their travels. They need to fell free and are often faced with the choice of allowing their careers to take over their lives at the expense of the love of their spouse and family. Sagittarian women are the counterparts of their men; even if they have no career to rival their love, they find it difficult to express affection and may run the risk of being thought frigid.
In other personal relationships they are reliable, seldom betraying any trust given to them. They can, however, be impulsively angry and both male and female Sagittarians know how to be outspoken and exactly what expressions will hurt their adversaries most. On the other hand they are magnanimous in forgiving offenses and are responsible when looking after the elderly in the family.

Their gifts fit Sagittarians for a number of widely differing professions. They are natural teachers and philosophers with a talent for expounding the moral principles and laws which seem to explain the universe. This gift enables them to be successful churchmen on the one hand and scientists on the other. The law and politics also suit them, as does public service, social administration, public relations and advertising. Travel and exploration naturally appeal to such restless souls and, if their opportunities are limited, they may find something of travel and change of scene in the armed forces or through working as a travelling salesman. Others may make fine musicians and, in the days before automobiles, they were said to be successful at horse trading and all activities, including sporting ones, concerning horses. This has been translated in modern terms into an interest in cars and aircraft - and again with emphasis on the sporting side racing, rallying etc. They are said to make good sports coaches, but their tastes in this direction may lead them into imprudent gambling, though the gambling instinct may be sublimated by carrying it out professionally as a bookmaker.

The vices to which Sagittarians are prone are anger they tend to flare up over trifles; impatience - they want to rush every new project through immediately and demand too much of colleagues who cannot work at the pace they require; and scorn of the inadequacies of others while expecting fulsome recognition of their own efforts. They may in one sense deserve recognition, because in completing a major project they will sacrifice their health and family relationships; in their family's eyes they may merit condemnation.

They can be exacting, domineering and inconsiderate in the work place; and boastful, vulgar and extravagant in their private lives. Their restlessness, if excessive, can jeopardize more than their own stability. some Sagittarians risk becoming playboys, wasting their lives away in frivolous pursuits. Others can develop a moralizing, religious fanaticism or else turn into hypocrites, their inner prudishness disguised by an outward appearance of joviality. Another side of the religiosity which is a danger in Sagittarians is superstition.

        LIKES

    * Traveling
    * getting to the heart of the matter
    * Freedom
    * Laws and meanings
    * the general 'feel' of things

        DISLIKES

    *Off the wall theories
    * being tied down domestically
    * Being constrained
    * cooling your heels
    * bothered with details

 

 

Gemini

Gemini, the sign of the Twins, is dual-natured, elusive, complex and contradictory. On the one hand it produces the virtue of versatility, and on the other the vices of two-facedness and flightiness. The sign is linked with Mercury, the planet of childhood and youth, and its subjects tend to have the graces and faults of the young. When they are good, they are very attractive; when they are bad they are more the worse for being the charmers they are. Like children they are lively, and happy, if circumstances are right for them, or egocentric, imaginative and restless. They take up new activities enthusiastically but lack application, constantly needing new interests, flitting from project to project as apparently purposelessly as a butterfly dancing from flower to flower. To them life is a game which must always be full of fresh moves and continuous entertainment, free of labor and routine. Changing horses in the middle of the stream is another small quirk in the Gemini personality which makes decision making, and sticking to a decision, particularly hard for them.

Since they lack the quality of conscientiousness, they are apt to fight a losing battle in any attempts they make to be moral (in the widest sense of the word). Their good qualities are attractive and come easily to them. They are affectionate, courteous, kind, generous, and thoughtful towards the poor and suffering - provided none of the activities resulting from expressing these traits interferes too greatly with their own lives and comforts. They quickly learn to use their outward attractiveness to gain their own ends, and when striving for these they will use any weapon in their armory - unscrupulous lying, and cunning evasiveness; escaping blame by contriving to put it on other people, wrapped up in all the charm they can turn on. In their better moments they may strive to be honest and straightforward, but self-interest is almost always the victor. If things go against them, they sulk like children. Also like children, they demand attention, admiration, and the spending on them of time, energy and money, throwing tantrums if they don't get what they want. They reflect every change in their surroundings, like chameleons, and can become pessimistic, sullen, peevish and materialistically self-centered if circumstances force them to struggle in any way. If the conditions of life become really adverse, their strength of will may desert them entirely. They can become uncertain of themselves, either withdrawn, or nervously excitable worriers, sullenly discontented, hard and irritable, with "Self" looming ever larger in their struggles. On the other hand their versatility can make them very adaptable, adjusting themselves to control the world around them by means of their inherent ingenuity and cleverness.

Most Gemini have a keen, intuitive, sometimes brilliant intelligence and they love cerebral challenges. But their concentration, though intense for a while, does not last. Their mental agility and energy give them a voracious appetite for knowledge from youth onward, though they dislike the labor of learning. They easily grasp almost everything requiring intelligence and mental dexterity, and are often able to marry manual skills to their qualities of mind. Their intellect is strongly analytical and sometimes gives them so great an ability to see both sides of a question that they vacillate and find it hard to make decisions. But their intelligence may very well be used to control and unify the duality of their natures into a most efficient unit. If faced with difficulties, they have little determination to worry at a problem until they find a solution - they will pick the brains of others. In their intellectual pursuits, as in other departments of their lives, they risk becoming dilettantes, losing themselves in too many projects which they follow until they become difficult.

In love they are fickle, not intentionally so but because of the basic inconsistency of their emotional nature, which has an amoral aspect to it. Their is a side to Geminians which can become deeply involved emotionally, and another, hostile to sentimentality, which stands back from a romantic situation, laughing at it and the protagonists in it, including themselves while analyzing it intellectually. Gemini subjects take nothing seriously. So, in love, in spite of their temporary depth of feeling, for the intensity of involvement lasts only while it is new, they are superficial, light-hearted, cool, flirtatious and unimaginative in the understanding of the pain they may give others. They like intrigue, the excitement of the chase, but once they have caught the prey, they lose interest and look around for the next creature to pursue. In less serious situations they make witty, entertaining companions, good acquaintances rather than friends. Even at their worst they are never dull - there is usually playfulness below the surface, and they can be brilliant conversationalists - but they can also be quarrelsome, prattlers, boasters, liars and cheats.

Geminians can be successful in many walks of life though their general characteristics tend to make them unreliable. They are often skilled manipulators of language, in speech and writing, and may be: debaters, diplomats (though in politics they are more interested in theory than practice), orators, preachers (brilliant rather than profound), teachers, authors, poets, journalists, or lawyers. In business any work which combines quick-wittedness with a change of surroundings suits them; working as a traveling salesperson, brokerage work, or dealing with the public in any capacity is right up their alley. Because they are dispassionate, logical, rational and analytical they make good scientists, especially in the fields of medicine and astronomy. They can also make excellent members of the Armed Forces, for they take danger no more seriously than anything else and can earn themselves a reputation for devotion to duty and heroic acts. In the arts they may excel in music, painting and sculpture. They make good psychic researchers of a sceptical kind. Negatively they can degenerate into confidence tricksters, thieves and even adepts in the black arts.


    LIKES

      *  Talking
      *  Novelty and the unusual
      *  Variety in life
      *  Multiple projects all going at once
      *  Reading

    DISLIKES

      *  Feeling tied down
      *  Learning, such as school
      *  Being in a rut
      *  Mental inaction
      *  Being alone

***

Ayon sa compatibility test, hindi daw compatible ang Sagittarius at Gemini,

Pero sana...

 

 

Music :: Jealous - Nina
Book :: Manila Bulletin
Mood :: inis, inlove

Anything?

Pinoypoets’ Anniversary Night @ Conspiracy

 

 

If you’re a writer, a poet, an artist or simply a lover of literature, better block off Tuesday, June 28  on your social calendar. Pinoypoets (PP), an online community of literary enthusiasts, will be holding its first anniversary bash at Conspiracy Bar in Quezon City.

 

The event, dubbed PP ‘to!(The Pinoypoets’ First Anniversary), promises to be an evening filled with laughter, music, and of course, excellent poetry.  Prominent social, academic, and literary figures Makati Rep. Teddy Locsin Jr,  Conchitina Cruz, Vin and Kris Dancel, Noel Del Prado,  Joyce Burton Titular, Enrico John Torralba, Hannah Romawac,  Roli Inocencio, Nerissa Del Carmen Guevarra, Monica Llamas and Gary Granada, are but a few of our guest readers.

 

The celebration will also be highlighted by performances from G-Strings, 10kpp, Rubberband, Johnoy Danao of Bridge, Paramita, and Hannah Romawac of Session Road.

Pinoypoets is a community of poets, writers and literary enthusiasts who share their works, thoughts and insights on poetry. Formed by less than 50 members in June 2004, Pinoypoets has grown to 250 members based in different regions of the country---and even abroad.

 

Its primary objective is to facilitate a creative forum and enrich its members' knowledge and craft. Michael Coroza, Edgar Samar, Santiago Villafania, Louie John Sanchez, Eileen Tabios, Bino Realuyo and Jema Pamintuan, some of the most respected names in Philippine poetry today, are the group’s consultants and critics.

 

PP ‘to!(The Pinoypoets’ First Anniversary), will start at 8 p.m. Admission is FREE!  For more information, please get in touch with Rhodge Fernandez (721-7229), Kathline Tolosa (09175777128) or Romel Samson (09278470212).

 

Music :: Live To Tell - Madonna
Mood :: silly

Anything?

Last night, habang kakulitan ko si Mr. Y sa text kung gaano namin ka-miss ang isa't isa, ay ito ang mga narinig ko sa radyo sa loob ng bus:

***

TELL ME WHERE IT HURTS
MYMP

Why is that sad look in your eyes
Why are you crying?
(Tell me now)2x
Tell me why you're feelin' this way
I hate to see you so down, oh baby!

Is it your heart
Oh, that's breakin' all in pieces
Makin' you cry
And makin' you feel blue
Is there anythin' that I can do

CHORUS:
Why don't you tell me where it hurts now, baby
And I'll do my best to make it better
Yes, I'll do my best to make those tears all go away
Just tell me where it hurts
Now, tell me
And I love you with a love so tender
Oh and if you let me stay
I'll love all of the hurt away

Where are all those tears coming from
Why are they falling?
somebody, somebody, somebody left your heart in the cold
You just need somebody to hold on, baby
(Give me a chance)
To put back all the pieces
Take hold of your heart
Make it just like new
There's so many things that I can do

chorus

(Instrumental)

Is it your heart
Oh, that's breakin' all in pieces
Makin' you cry
makin' you feel blue
Is there anythin' that I can do

CHORUS:

Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me baby
Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me
And I'll do my best to make it better
Yes, I'll do my best to make the tears all go away
Just tell me where it hurts
Now, tell me
And I love you with a love so tender
Oh, and if you let me stay
I'll love all of the hurt away 

***

BALISONG
RIVERMAYA

Your face lights up the sky on the highway.
Someday, you'll share your world with me someday.
You mesmerize me with diamond eyes.
I try to fool myself to think I'll be alright.
But I am losing all control.
My mind, my heart, my body and my soul

Never in my life have I been more sure.
So come on up to me and close the door.
Nobody's made me feel this way before.
You're everything I wanted and more.

To speak or not to; where to begin.
The way dilemmas I'm finding myself in.
For all I know you only see me as a friend.
I try to tell myself wake up fool; this fairy tale's got to end.

"Never in my life have I been more sure.
So come on up to me and close the door.
Nobody's made me feel this way before.
You're everything I wanted [more]." [2x]

You're everything I wanted.

***

YOU'LL BE SAFE HERE
RIVERMAYA

Nobody knows
Just why we're here
Could it be fate
Or random circumstance
At the right place
At the right time
Two roads intertwine

And if the universe conspired
To meld our lives
To make us
Fuel and fire
Then know
Where ever you will be
So too shall i be

Chorus:

Close your eyes
Dry your tears
'coz when nothing seems clear
You'll be safe here

From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
Weary heart
You'll be safe here

Remember how we laughed
Until we cried
At the most stupid things
Like we were so high
But love was all that we were on
We belong

And though the world would
Never understand
This unlikely union
And why it still stands
Someday we will be set free.
Pray and believe

Chorus:

When the light disappears
And when this world's insincere
You'll be safe here
When nobody hears you scream
I'll scream with you
You'll be safe here

Save your eyes
From your tears
When everything's unclear
You'll be safe here

From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
Wounded heart

When the light disappears
And when this world's insincere
You'll be safe here

When nobody hears you scream
I'll scream with you
You'll be safe here

In my arms
Through the long cold night
Sleep tight
You'll be safe here

When no one understands
I'll believe
You'll be safe,
You'll be safe
You'll be safe here
Put your heart in my hands
You'll be safe here

***

LOVE MOVES (IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS)
NINA

Who'd have thought
This is how the pieces fit?
You and I
Shouldn't even try making sense of it

I forgot
How we ever came this far
I believe we had reasons
but I don't know what they are
So blame it on my heart, oh

Love moves in mysterious ways
It's always so surprising
When love appears over the horizon
I'll love you for the rest of my days
But still, it's a mystery
How you ever came to me
Which only proves
Love moves in mysterious ways

Heaven knows
Love is just a chance we take
We make plans
But then love demands a leap of faith

So hold me close
And never let me go
'Cause even though we think we know
which way the river flows
That's not the way love goes, no

Love moves in mysterious ways
It's always so surprising
When love appears over the horizon
I'll love you for the rest of my days
But still, it's a mystery
How you ever came to me
Which only proves
Love moves in mysterious ways

Like the ticking of the clock
two hearts beat as one
But I'll never understand
the ways it's done

Love moves in mysterious ways
It's always so surprising
When love appears over the horizon
I'll love you for the rest of my days
But still, it's a mystery
How you ever came to me
Which only proves
Love moves in mysterious ways
Love moves in mysterious ways

***

Ito naman ang mga Madonna hit for all seasons:

***

LOVE PROFUSION
MADONNA

There are too many questions
There is not one solution
There is no resurrection
There is so much confusion

And the love profusion
You make me feel
You make me know
And the love vibration
You make me feel
You make it shine

There are too many options
There is no consolation
I have lost my illusions
What I want is an explanation

And the love profusion
You make me feel
You make me know
And the love direction
You make me feel
You make me shine
You make me feel
You make me shine
You make me feel

I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin

There is no comprehension
There is real isolation
There is so much destruction
What I want is a celebration

And I know I can feel bad
When I get in a bad mood
And the world can look so sad
Only you make me feel good

I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin

I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin

And the love profusion
You make me feel
You make me know
And the love intention
You make me feel
You make me shine
You make me feel
You make me shine
You make me feel

I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin

And I know I can feel bad
When I get in a bad mood
And the world can look so sad
Only you make me feel good
 

***

FROZEN
MADONNA

You only see what your eyes want to see

how can life be what you want it to be

you're frozen when your hearts not open

you're so concerned with how much you get

you waste your time with hate and regret

you're broken when your hearts not open


Chorus

Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm if I could melt your heart

we'd never be apart

give yourself to me

give up the key

and you should know I'd suffer the same


let all the hurt inside of you die

Chorus

how can life be what you want it to be

Chorus

If I could melt your heart


***

TAKE A BOW
MADONNA

Take a bow, the night is over
This masquerade is getting older
Light are low, the curtains down
There's no one here
[There's no one here, there's no one in the crowd]
Say your lines but do you feel them
Do you mean what you say when there's no one around [no one around]
Watching you, watching me, one lonely star
[One lonely star you don't know who you are]
Chorus:
I've always been in love with you [always with you]
I guess you've always known it's true [you know it's true]
You took my love for granted, why oh why
The show is over, say good-bye
Say good-bye [bye bye], say good-bye
Make them laugh, it comes so easy
When you get to the part
Where you're breaking my heart [breaking my heart]
Hide behind your smile, all the world loves a clown
[Just make 'em smile the whole world loves a clown]
Wish you well, I cannot stay
You deserve an award for the role that you played [role that you played]
No more masquerade, you're one lonely star
[One lonely star and you don't know who you are]
(chorus, repeat)
Say good-bye [bye bye], say good-bye
All the world is a stage [world is a stage]
And everyone has their part [has their part]
But how was I to know which way the story'd go
How was I to know you'd break
[You'd break, you'd break, you'd break]
You'd break my heart
I've always been in love with you
[I've always been in love with you]
Guess you've always known
You took my love for granted, why oh why
The show is over, say good-bye
(chorus)
Say good-bye [bye bye], say good-bye
Say good-bye

 

Music :: Balisong - Rivermaya
Book :: Chalk Magazine
Mood :: touched

Anything?

 

 

 

park amsterdam

it is now three o'clock and baby you are not yet here at our little corner of the world where you always make me wolf the jumbo hotdog on stick you always buy from the food stand at a distance and baby i have always waited you here and the jumbo hotdog you always feed me that is so so long like that yellow pencil you use when you are writing your long long poems but that pencil is yellow and the hotdog is red the color of the heart beating beating excitedly whenever you are here beside me here baby here our little corner of the world and in your hand is the hotdog i am always longing for but please please please understand it is not just the jumbo hotdog you always buy at the food stand that i am longing for but also the one who brings the jumbo hotdog to me

and feed it to my hungry mouth and oh yes baby oh yes that is you no one else

 

* "Young woman reading in park," 8 in X 10 in (20.3 cm X 25.4 cm), oil on Masonite by Kay Crain.

7 Said So

LSS ko pa rin talaga ang MYMP version ng "Tell Me Where It Hurts". Marahil kasi maraming iniisip si Mr. Y sa buhay niya na problema. Everytime kasi na nagkakausap kami, he brings these past problems up. Hindi naman sa naiinis ako sa mga taong kapit na kapit pa rin sa nakaraan niya (ako kasi, laging "let go" attitude, although minsan may tinitikis pa rin), pero ayun nga, everytime na ginagawa niya ito I always tell him na huwag na niya kasing isipin ang mga ganoong bagay. Napa-paranoid tuloy siya.

I want to wipe all his fears away. I want to vanish his worries. I want to take care of him. 

I  want to...

"Why don't you tell me where it hurts now, baby 
And I'll do my best to make it better 
Yes, I'll do my best to make those tears all go away 
Just tell me where it hurts 
Now, tell me 
And I love you with a love so tender 
Oh and if you let me stay 
I'll love all of the hurt away..."

 

Music :: Tell Me Where It Hurts - MYMP
Book :: The Wholly Trinity
Mood :: worried

2 Said So

Alam ko I am stupid most of the time - sa pag-ibig, sa mga desisyon sa buhay, sa academics, at sa pagbabayad sa konduktor ng bus. Ngayong araw na ito, hindi ko nahingi ang sukli kong 35 pesos mula sa konduktor. Teka, hinihingi ba dapat iyo ng pasahero mula sa kanya o trabaho niyang ibigay iyon?

May utang kasi akong 100 pesos sa kapatid ko na ipinamasahe ko kahapon papuntang Pinoypoets session sa may Teachers' Village sa Quezon City. Ang promise ko sa kanya, ngayon ko ibibigay ang utang ko na kukunin ko naman sa baon ko ngayon (may kwento pa ito). At dahil 100 pesos naman araw-araw ang budget ko sa pagpasok sa trabaho (fare, food, bale may natitira pang 20 pesos kung hindi ako magmemeryenda ng paborito kong lugaw), walang matitira sa akin. Naawa naman siya, kaya ibinigay niya muna sa akin ang 50 pesos. Buti na lang may barya pa akong natatabi na 12 pesos, bale mayroon na akong 62 pesos. (Kung hindi ako kakain ng tanghalian, makakatipid ako ng 16 pesos, un kasi ang budget ko for food - isang cup ng rice worth 6 pesos at kalahating gulay na ten pesos naman.  Kung ang gagastusin ko lang ang pamasahe ngayong araw na ito, tama na ang 62 pesos! Ayun, nagbaon tuloy ako ng pananghalian ngayon, buti na lang maraming nilutong ulam ang tatay ko.)

So, lahat ng computation ay na-settle na, umalis na ako ng bahay at sumakay ng bus. Inabot ko sa mamang konduktor ang 50 pesos ko, at binigyan niya ako ng tiket. Biyaheng MRT lang naman ako na worth 15 pesos lang, so may 35 pesos pa akong sukli. Siguro inaantok pa ako, or inis lang ako na mainit ang napwestuhan ko, hindi ko inabala na wala pang inaabot na sukli ang mamang konduktor. Hanggang sa natuloy na ang antok ko sa tulog (Nakauwi na ako sa bahay from the Pinoypoets recording session pasado alas-dose na ng madaling-araw). 

Sumapit na ang bus sa MRT, at ako ay bumaba. Nang magbabayad na ako para sa MRT ticket ko, hindi ko "makapa" ang inaakala kong 20 pesos bill sa bulsa ko. Putsa, nanlamig ako! Binigay ko na lang ung barya ko sa counter (11 pesos ang MRT fare ko from North Avenue to Santolan station). Habang naghihintay ng MRT train, I fumbled through my pockets and Diadora bag, pero wala talaga!

At yun nga ang katotohanan: walang naiabot sa aking 35 pesos na sukli ang mamang konduktor.

Mabuti na lang, pagbaba ko ng Santolan station, I could walk the whole Annapolis stretch. So iyon nga ang ginawa ko.

Sad fate talaga, waaahhhh!

Pero in fairness, Stephie darling, kung aaraw-arawin ko ang paglalakad mula MRT Santolan hanggang office, papayat pa lalo ako.

***

 

Late na natapos ang recording ng Pinoypoets ng aming CD na ilo-launch din sa Anniv Party sa June 28. It will contain 24 poems na ang mga nagbasa ay mga Pinoypoets member din.  Ang mga nagsipunta kahapon ay sina:

Kiko (na naka-orange)

Jomar (na ngarag sa Biology assignemnts niya)

Kramer (na nagkasakit pala kaya missing in action sa Pinoypoets)

Jonar (ang agang tomoma ng beer)

Siquey (na katomaan ni Jonar at second time lang um-attend ng PP meet)

Rain (na napasabak bigla sa project na ito)

Steph (na in-insist na hindi orange ang suot niya, at may dalang pansit para sa lahat)

Ani (na halatang puyat)

Magda (na ethereal talaga ang boses ng i-record na ito)

Xam (na Miss Tapia talaga at halatang pagod na)

Kath (na may chopstick na pang-ipit sa buhok)

Ergoe (na nagmaganda ng padating na ang jowa niya)

Claire (na as usual, maganda pa rin)

Andrea (na may kasamang Dave)

Dave (na may kasamang Andrea)

Emong (na nagpahiram sa akin ng mahal na libro ni Sharon Olds)

JD (na long hair na ang kulot niyang hair)

Eds (na umeskapo bigla)

Mr. Batuta (na mukhang may date kagabi)

Kai (na ate talaga ang aura)

Alex Agena (na bagong gising at pinabili lang daw siya ng suka ng nanay niya)

Jojo (na napaka-sad ng rendition ng tula ni Pol na Nevergreen)

Nanoy (na starlet pa rin!)

Salamat sa friend ni Emong na si Alay sa kanyang pasensya sa mga pasaway na Pinoypoets member.

At promise, matagal nang isina-suggest sa former Pinoypoets moderator ang project na ito, ngayon lang natuloy. A dream come true para sa lahat.

***

Last Friday, officially ay kami na ni Mr. Y.

Isang malaking HAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

Music :: I Wanna Know What Love Is - Sarah Geronimo
Book :: Blood, Tin, Straw - Sharon Olds
Show :: Magandang Umaga Pilipinas
Mood :: engot mood

6 Said So

Siguro dahil gumamit ako ng Camay soap kahapon kaya inimbita ako ni Mr Batuta para mag-coffee after work.

Echos!

Wala lang sigurong magawa ang mamang ito kaya ayun, nagtanong kung pwede akong maimbitang magkape kagabi. Syempre, appear naman agad ang lola mo. Wala ng arte-arte pa.

We were supposed to meet sa Seattle's Best, pero sabi ko sa McDo St. Francis na lang, 6:30. Akala ko nga hindi matutuloy kasi nagbabadya ang kalangitan ng isang malakas na ulan, pero mabait ang mga diyosa ko at hindi natuloy ito.

Late ako sa aming tipanan, katatapos lang niyang mag-dinner. Akala ko nga wala pa siya kasi hindi ko siya makita, ganoon kasi ako, may eye defect nga yata. Hindi ko makikita ang isang tao pag sa restaurant or sa mall, unless na kakalabitin na lang ako.

Natuloy kami sa Starbucks. Mabuti na lang at konti lang ang tao, kaya wala masyadong distractions.

Kung hindi nyo pa nakikilala si Mr Batuta ng lubusan, ito ang mga hard fact tungkol sa kanya:

 

1. Kapag depressed siya, ang tendency niya ay kumain.

2. Ang almusal niya kadalasan ay peanut butter, ung oily kind. Nagkasundo kami na masarap ang Lily's Peanut Butter (meron pa ba nito?)

3. Mahilig siya sa chocolate. As in. At sa pancit guisado, na kahit busog na siya ay magpapahinga lang siya ng 5 minutes saka kakain ulit.

4. Bumubili pa siya ng supplements niya sa Binondo. Nakalimutan ko kung ano ang mga supplement na iyon (ginseng?). Sabi ko sa kanya ba't hindi siya bumili ng tikoy?

Bukod sa buhay-buhay, napagdiskitahan din naming pag-usapan:

1. Ang mga paborito naming pelikula 

Horror movies. Wicker Park starring Josh Harnett. Pareho kaming nagandahan sa Titanic. At sabi nga daw ni Ricky Lee, ang attention span daw ng isang tao sa pelikula ay 3 hours, pag lumampas na doon hindi na masyado naka-focus ang isip ng nanonood sa pinapanood niya. Pareho kaming napangitan sa Pearl Harbor. At si Cameron Crowe ang direktor ng Almost Famous, na ang bida ay anak ni Goldie Hawn. Katawa-tawa daw ang Shutter at mas natakot pa daw siya sa Premonition,  mga psycho drama na Acacia Tree, The Uninvited at Tale of Two Sisters.  Parehong asteeeeg sa amin ang The Ring at The Grudge. Ipinalabas nga ba ang mga sumusunod na pelikula: Ang Killer ng Bo. Concepcion, Babae sa Bubungang Lata. Nagandahan nga ba ako sa Ligaya ang Itawag Mo Sa Akin?

2. Horror shows sa TV at radio

Regal Shocker. Gabi ng Lagim (Ben David ba ang nagboboses doon?). Pinoy Thriller na ang favorites niya ay ang kwento tungkol sa taong-pusa (may grupong nag-camping at kinain sila isa-isa ng taong-pusa) at ang tungkol sa Impakto (na may part two pa daw, Anak ng Impakto).

3. Mga panaginip

Ang panaginip ko tungkol sa pagiging Judiel ko (totoo, nakita ko si Mother Mary sa panaginip ko) at ang End of Days (pag-ulan ng apoy, alien invasions), at ang shadow na nakikita niya.

4. Books

Tony Perez. Cirilo Bautista. Catch-22. Ang promise ko na pahihiramin ko siya ng Laro sa Baga ko.

5. Underrated Artists

Cherry Pie Picache (pero nananalo naman siya ng award). Irma Adlawan (nanay ni Ina Raymundo sa Tuhog, na sa wakas ay nagbida na sa Mga Pusang Gala). Eva Darren.

6. Personalities

Minsan may sablay na gawa si Ricky Lee. Alam niyo bang ang sumulat ng script ng Itlog (pelikula ni Diana Zubiri) ay si Lualhati Bautista?  Nag-agree kami na effortless ang acting ni Jacklyn Jose, Glydel Mercado (Azucena). Kay Eric Ramos (ex-editor ng FHM) ang kwento ng Azucena ni Alessandra de Rossi, at in fact nanalo ito sa Palanca. Magaling nga ba si Quark Henares?

7. Fiction

Na-censor ang isang short story niya nung college siya. Ako naman na-censor din ng Literary Editor ko nung high school ako. Sinabi ko sa kanya na dapat ipabasa niya sa akin ang mga fiction niya. Tinatamad daw siyang i-type lahat para isali sa mga contest o i-submit sa publications.

8. Poetry

Ayon sa kanya, hindi daw magaling si Sylvia Plath (Xam o!). Tuwang-tuwa naman ako kay Sharon Olds. Magaling daw si Cirilo Bautista. Favorite niya din si Simeon Dumdum.

10 PM na kami nagtapos. Inisip niya kung papasok ba siya o hindi (2:30 AM ang pasok niya), pero sa huli mas mahalaga daw ang kikitain niya (Hindi tumalab ang Camay beauty ng lola mo!). Nagtakutan pa kaming dalawa, tungkol sa elementals at sa "witching hour". Kagabi niya lang nalaman na ang oras ng mga espiritu ay between 1 AM to 3 AM. Sa mga oras na ito malalakas ang mga ganitong nilalang.

Sabay text ang darling Stephie ko: "Rhodge, totoo bang kasama mo si Mr Batuta?"

***

Silent prayers for Jaime Cardinal Sin, who passed away today.  

News:

 

Music :: Piano in the Dark - Nina
Book :: The Manila Bulletin
Mood :: silly

10 Said So

Kagabi, dahil umulan ng malakas, nagpipilit makasakay ang lahat ng tao sa bus pauwi. Pagdaan kasi ng bus na sinasakyan ko sa Fatima University sa Valenzuela ay isang batalyong nakaputi ang sumakay ng bus: mga babae, mga lalaki at dalawang binatilyong bading.

Ewan ko ba kung sa sobrang pagod ako this week (bakit kaya?) latang-latang ako kagabi. Hindi na ako nakapag-react ng marinig ko ang dalawa pang bading (professionals na) na kasabayan ko sa pagsakay sa bus na nagpaparinig at ino-okray yung dalawang binatilyong bading.

A sad fate for gays, na sa kabila ng mga panlilibak at discrimination na natatanggap namin mula sa mga "straight",  kami mismo sa aming mga ka-kapwa ang nanlilibak at nanghahamak!

Kung madalas ka sa mga chatroom (irc at yahoo rooms) mapapansin mo ang announcements na: PLS NO EFFEM, NO CHUBS; GYMFIT ONLY, at kung anu-ano pang preference. SABAGAY, ito naman kasi ay PREFERENCE, yung GUSTO ng isang naghahanap na tao.

                                                     

Sabi ko nga sa friend ko, language/terminologies are barriers. Ngayon, makakarinig na tayo ng terms na "metrosexuals", "bisexuals", "closet queen/kloseta", "butch", "effeminate", at kung anu-ano pa. Isang paraan para ma-separate "daw" ang iba sa mainstream "gays" (READ: screaming faggots!).

(Ayon sa isang essay na sinulat ni UP Prof. J. Neil Garcia, gone are the days na ang isang "bakla" ay tinatawag na "bayoguin" (from "bayog", a specie of bamboo). At ang mismong term nga na "bakla" means "confused" and "cowardly", which gays could counter. Hay!)

Hindi ba dapat na kung sino ang magkauri ay siyang nagtutulungan. Bakit tayo mismong magkakadugo (READ: pink blood) ang siyang nagdi-discriminate sa mga katulad, pilit ibinababa ang pag-usbong ng iba, pilit itinataas ang sarili sa iba. Nakakalungkot, sapagkat mas pinipili nating mag-discriminate ng mga katulad gamit ang mga salita, gamit ang mga gawa.

Panahon na para magkaisa, at magsama-sama - hindi sa kadiliman ng mga blue bar, kundi sa mapagpalayang liwanag!

***

 

Isa sa paborito kong poet ngayon ay si Mark Doty. Isa siyang "true-blue" gay poet, as in. Ilan sa kanyang mga gawa ay ang mga sumusunod:

***

The Embrace
      
You weren't well or really ill yet either;
just a little tired, your handsomeness
tinged by grief or anticipation, which brought
to your face a thoughtful, deepening grace.

I didn't for a moment doubt you were dead.
I knew that to be true still, even in the dream.
You'd been out--at work maybe?--
having a good day, almost energetic.

We seemed to be moving from some old house
where we'd lived, boxes everywhere, things
in disarray: that was the story of my dream,
but even asleep I was shocked out of the narrative

by your face, the physical fact of your face:
inches from mine, smooth-shaven, loving, alert.
Why so difficult, remembering the actual look
of you? Without a photograph, without strain?

So when I saw your unguarded, reliable face,
your unmistakable gaze opening all the warmth
and clarity of you--warm brown tea--we held
each other for the time the dream allowed.

Bless you. You came back, so I could see you
once more, plainly, so I could rest against you
without thinking this happiness lessened anything,
without thinking you were alive again.

***

Tatoo

I thought I wanted to wear
The Sacred Heart, to represent
Education through suffering,

How we’re pierced to flame.
But when I cruised
The inkshop’s dragons,

Cobalt tigers and eagles
In billowy smokes,
My allegiance wavered.

Butch lexicon,
Anchors and arrows,
A sailor’s iconic charms –

Tempting, but none
Of them me.  What noun
Would you want

Spoken on your skin
Your whole life through?
I tried to picture what

I’d never want erased
And saw a fire-ring corona
Of spiked rays,

Flaring tongues
Surrounding – an emptiness,
An open space?

I made my mind up.
I sat in the waiting room chair.
Then something (my nerve?

Faith in the guy
With the biker books
And indigo hands?)

Wavered.  It wasn’t fear,
Nothing hurts like grief
And I’m used to that.

His dreaming needle
Was beside the point;
Don’t I already bear

The etched and flaring marks
Of an inky trade?
What once was skin

Has turned to something
Made; written and revised
Beneath these sleeves:

Hearts and banners,
Daggers and flowers and names.
I fled.  Then I came back again;

Isn’t there always
A little more room
On the skin?  It’s too late

To be unwritten,
And I’m much too scrawled
To ever be erased.

Go ahead:  prick and stipple
And ink me in:
I’ll never be naked again.

From here on out,
I wear the sun,
Albeit blue.

***

White Kimono

Sleeves of oyster, smoke and pearl,
linings patterned with chrysanthemum flurries,
rippled fields: the import store's

received a shipment of old robes,
cleaned but neither pressed nor sorted,
and the owner's cut the bindings

so the bales of crumpled silks
swell and breathe. It's raining out, off-season,
nearly everything closed,

so Lynda and I spend an hour
overcome by wrinkly luxuries we'd never wear,
even if we could: clouds of--

are they plum blossoms?--
billowing on mauve, thunderheads
of pine mounting a stony slope,

tousled fields of embroidery
in twenty shades of jade:
costumes for some Japanese

midsummer's eve. And there,
against the back wall, a garment
which seems itself an artifact

of dream: tiny gossamer sleeves
like moth wings worrying a midnight lamp,
translucent silk so delicate

it might shatter at the weight
of a breath or glance.
The mere idea of a robe,

a slip of a thing
(even a small shoulder
might rip it apart)

which seems to tremble a little,
in the humid air. The owner--
enjoying our pleasure, this slow afternoon,

in the lush tumble of his wares--
gives us a deal. A struggle, to narrow it
to three: deep blue for Lynda,

lined with a secretive orange splendor
of flowers; a long scholarly gray for me,
severe, slightly pearly, meditative;

a rough raw silk for Wally,
its slubbed green the color of day-old grass
wet against lawn-mower blades. Home,

we iron till the kitchen steams,
revealing drape and luster.
Wally comes out and sits with us, too,

though he's already tired all the time,
and the three of us fog up the rainy windows,
talking, ironing, imagining mulberry acres

spun to this unlikely filament
--nearly animate stuff--and the endless
labor of unwinding the cocoons.

What strength and subtlety in these hues.
Doesn't rain make a memory more intimate?
We're pleased with our own calm privacy,

our part in the work of restoration,
that kitchen's achieved, common warmth,
the time-out-of-time sheen

of happiness to it, unmistakable
as the surface of those silks. And
all the while that fluttering spirit

of a kimono hung in the shop
like a lunar token, something
the ghost of a moth might have worn,

stirring on its hanger whenever
the door was opened--petal, phantom,
little milky flame lifting

like a curtain in the wind
--which even Lynda, slight as she was,
did not dare to try on.
 

Music :: Everytime - Britney Spears
Book :: The Manila Bulletin
Mood :: sore

Anything?

 

 

 

Mr Batuta's poem:

BABALA SA KARTOGRAPO

Huwag mo nang tangkaing gawan ng
  mapa ang aking isip
Iligpit mo na ang iyong lebel pang-surbeyor
Sapagkat ang mga muhong ibinaon ng
  kahapon, kadalasa'y hinuhugot ng mga
  halimaw ng ngayon -
Ipinupukpok sa kanilang ulo upang
  magpatiwakal.
Kung balak mong mag-iwan ng sariling
  tanda na para bang mga tuldok sa
  librong pambata
Na sa bandang huli'y iyong pagdudugtung-
  dugtungin
Upang makalikha ng anyo, makahalaw ng
  pamilyar na larawan,
Ang kompas ng iyong mabuting pakay,
  manginginig lamang sa pagkapahiya.
Kukote ko'y walang takdang hilaga
Ang kinatatayuan mo'y makunat na luwad -
Regular na nilalamas, nilalapirot,
  minamasa ng higanteng kamay ng bukas,
Kamay ng paslit na humuhubog ng
  kakatwang pigura.
Lumabas ka na sa isip ko
Bitbitin mo na ang iyong lebel pang-surbeyor
  at kompas
Baka ika'y maabutan pa ng higanteng kamay
  at malamas, malapirot, at mamasa
  kasahog ng makunat na luwad.

                     22 june '05
                     wednesday
                     7.22 pm

© Jeff Carlos

***

My poem:

A Cartography Session with Mr. Batuta

This is your claim: No one has made a map
of you. And so the mountains, grand canyons,
great rivers of your self remain unknown.

As we drink our second cup of coffee, I see the sign –
the North Star of your eyes flicker. It is time, a dare:
let me try to survey your fabled land.

If you could let my feeble fingers measure
every inch of your skin, the summit
of the mountains of your arms, the depth

of the grand canyons in your abdomen,
the great rivers of your darkened hair, I will.
If you could just let my tongue do a study

of every crevice, every single detail of your body,
I will mark them down in my mind - one by one,
an attempt to name them after the record

I make of the sound of your moans and groans,
in words we both understand. So those nipples are
named Desire, the navel becomes Passion,

and the penis, Salvation. This is how I plan
to make a map of your self, to be lost in the midst
of a night of shared cups of coffee and late talks,

 finding myself wrapped in your arms:
wondering, wandering.

© Rhodge Fernandez

Music :: The Day You Said Goodnight - Hale
Book :: Blood, Tin, Straw - Sharon Olds

2 Said So

Kagabi, ininterview kami ni Mr. Ronald Lim ng Manila Bulletin. Nakita na naman ang chumminess ng Pinoypoets. Speaking of chumminess...

***

Kanina, lumagpas ako sa bababaan ko (MRT North Avenue), kasi naman tulog na tulog ako. Late na ako nakauwi kagabi. Ang Pinoypoets talaga!

***
Hanggang ngayon, di ko pa tapos i-burn ang 55 CDs ng Ora Poetika! Nakakapagod din pala!

***

Kagabi, nagdala si Mitz sa Pinoypoets meet ng ube ice cream (tinakas daw niya!). Kanina, kumain naman ako ng ube cake from Red Ribbon dahil birthday ng officemate ko. Sana hindi magkulay-ube ang tae ko.  

Malamang.

 

Music :: Ora Poetika - Pinoypoets

1 Said So

Successful ang anniversary celebration ng Pinoypoets last June 28! Ang saya!

Ito ang transcript ni sweety Steph sa gabing iyon:

The event started at around 9 pm with the arrival of my beloved Teddyboy Locsin na kahit may sakit eh pinilit pa ring makadalo sa ating anniversary.  By this time Conspi was buzzing with life and filled to the rafters (palampasin na lang ang lapses sa grammar) with guests, students and most especially, mga prominent figures from the academe and the literary world (yun po yung mga names na binaggit ni kath kanina).   Sa Filipino, di mahulugang karayom.

Music :: Butterfly - Mariah Carey
Book :: Methods of Research and Thesis Writing - Calderon and Gonzales
Mood :: thankful

Anything?

Kagabi, naka-attend ako ng Wednesday Mass sa EDSA Shrine. Mabuti na lang at naka-attend ako, dahil medyo mabigat ang loob ko. Alam mo na, problema sa pamilya. Iyon lang naman ang bumabagabag sa akin.

The prayer for that night was: "The Lord delivered me from all my fears."

Habang nagko-communion ang mga tao, naisip ko: Napakaraming humihingi ng tulong kay Lord, napapansin Niya kaya ako?" Doon ako napaiyak sa isiping iyon, na baka nga napapabayaan Niya ako.

Lord, alam kong hindi...

Narito ang mga takot ko sa buhay:

1. Takot ako sa kidlat. Noong bata ako, takot ako sa kulog. Pero mas nakakatakot pala ang kidlat. Ayokong naglalabas tuwing tag-ulan.

2. Takot akong tumanda na nag-iisa.

3. Takot akong ma-reject.

4. Takot ako sa aso.

5. Takot pa akong mamatay. Hindi naman dahil sa takot ako sa kamatayan, pero takot akong mamatay sa mga kadahilanang: una, marami pa akong gustong gawin para sa pamilya ko, gusto kong makita silang nakakaangat na sa buhay, walang pangamba na pampinansyal; ikalawa, takot akong mamatay lalo ngayon, kasi napakamahal ang mamatay, walang panggastos ang pamilya ko, wala rin silang maaasahang iba kung hindi ako.

***

Mamaya, pupunta ako (baka kasama si Eds) sa isang gay poetry reading sa Likha-Diwa, UP Diliman. Bahagi ito ng June Pride. Ang mga balak kong basahing tula ay ang mga sumusunod:

Flying Kites

You said you wanted to get in touch
with the clouds, reach the horizon:
the reason why you learned

how to fly a kite. You always
imagined how this ensemble
of paper, wooden sticks, and thread

resisted the strain of the winds
of May. From a distance,
I marveled at how you manage

to let your kite fly high
(was it your desire?).
I wondered if the kites you’ve flown

in the afternoon skies of summer
were able to whisper to God,
but I knew they did not –

for you never noticed
the kite flying in my eyes.

© Rhodge Fernandez

***

Good Evening and Other Messages

Between the silences, I kept on
stealing glances, afraid your
eyes might discover great things
forbidden. We walked past the
people drowning themselves in a
cup of coffee, past the
highway of to and fro.
I loved to do a cartwheel but
hesitated you would find me weird,
so instead I spoke about the grand
roundness of this night’s moon.
On a night like this ancient men
and women would coil their bodies
in arcs of love to worship the
goddess of the moon.

You just smiled at my foolish
statements, telling me otherwise
that on a night like this you were
looking past your window, past the
blinding darkness, hopelessly
hoping that a woman would be
lying in your bitter bed,
worshipping her with kisses and
moans and whispers of
another tomorrow.

I walked ahead of you,
inside my head I was killing you
softly with what you had said.
What I wanted to tell you really
was how I loved to be in your
warm arms on a night like this,
both of us marveling on the
grandiose of the moon. You know
the story of a Muslim prince that
fell in love with the princess
of the moon, the origin
of the fabled sarimanok?
I might also tell you my envy of how
astronauts devoted their lives
just to conquer the moon’s coldness,
its loneliness among the playful stars.

You wondered why I had a reticent
smile on my lips; I just replied
it was my lunacy.

Past the empty telephone booth, past
the neon sign of a chocolate
store, we have reached
the bus stop:

it was time to say my good bye.

© Rhodge Fernandez

***

May Isang Alamat ng Diyos

May isang alamat ng diyos
na sa pamamagitan ng pagjajakol
at sa sumirit niyang tamod
nagmula ang mundong ito.

Sa ganitong paraan mo ako nilalang.

Dahil sa iyong mapagpalang ulan
namunga ang mga puno sa aking dibdib,
bumukadkad ang mga sampaguita
sa aking puson.

Nagsimulang dumagundong
ang mga higanteng hayop sa aking
mga braso, dumapo ang mga paru-paro
sa aking mga kamay,
at humuni ang mga kuliglig sa aking
mga tainga.

At sa patuloy na pagbuhos ng iyong
masaganang ulan nabuo at dumaloy
ang isang Dakilang Ilog.

Namuhay dito ang isang sibilisasyon ng ikaw at ako.

May isang alamat ng diyos
na sa pamamagitan ng pagjajakol
at sa sumirit niyang tamod
nagmula ang mundong ito.

Sa ganitong paraan mo ako nilalang.
Sa ganitong paraan mo rin ako nilunod.

© Rhodge Fernandez

***

Angelo V. Suarez as My Reader

After Adrienne Rich

You are reading this poem with half-closed
eyes; the day is so tiring for you to read a poem.
You are reading this poem while your baby is in
your arms, and this poem has to compete with
your favorite basketball show for your full
attention. You are reading this poem in your
sleep, animated in your techno-colored dreams.
You are reading this poem while beating
eggs you’ll fry for breakfast, the only next
worthwhile thing you know to do, aside from
sex. You are reading this poem while soaping
in the shower, your hands rubbing that hairy
chest, nipples hardening from the frequent
motion. You are reading this poem while waiting
for the MRT going to work, the green polo shirt
I bought you last Christmas is neatly tucked inside
your maong pants. You are reading this poem while
having coffee at Figaro, excitingly talking to
someone not me. You are reading this poem
and masturbating inside your office cubicle, the
sexy woman you are talking to at the coffee shop
really turned you on. You are reading this poem
while riding a bus home, looking past the window
and seeing the afternoon clouds forming a big letter A.
You are reading this poem while hanging naked from
the ceiling upside-down, because you are just
that – weird and horny. You are reading this poem
because I give you no other choice: for every day,
every night, every second, every minute, every hour,
you have to breathe my words.

© Rhodge Fernandez

 

***

Dalawang tula ko ang na-komentuhan ni Sir Louie John Sanchez, isa sa resident critics ng Pinoypoets. Ang susunod ang pagtatasa niya sa mga tula kong "Alas-Kuwatro ng Hapon" at "Sa Templo":

Ang “Alas-Kuwatro ng Hapon” naman ni Rhodge Fernandez ay may nahuling magandang lirikong sandali—isang magandang larawan: “Isa-isa nang nalalagas/ang mga dahon/ng punong mangga,/habang ang paslit ay/nakamasid pa rin/sa saranggola niyang sumabit sa sanga—//naghihintay, naghihintay…” Banayad ang musika ng pagkakalahad ng tinig na napili ni Fernandez. Bagay na bagay sa mapagliming pakana ng tula.

Ngunit sa palagay ko, imahen lamang talaga ang nahuli ng makata. Isang sandali lamang, sa katunayan—ang sandali ng alas-kuwatro ng hapon. Ito talaga ang sandali (moment) at ano pa nga ba ang masasabi? Gusto kong ibalik ang tula sa makata. Alam naman niya kung ano ang kaniyang lirikong sandali, ngunit sa lubos na rikit nito, napatikom ang kaniyang mga salita. Oo, ang tula, anang mga paham, ay ang kasunod na katahimikan ng bigkas. Ngunit hindi ko mawari bilang mambabasa ang Tula o ang matulain sa katahimikang muling nililikha ng mataka hinggil sa alas-kuwatro ng hapong iyon. Ano bang kakaiba at bukod tangi sa alas-kuwatro ng hapong ito? Bakit at paano nasabi?

Ibang-iba naman ang lirikong sandali na inilahad ni Fernandez sa isa pang tulang napili ko para sa diskuyong ito, ang “Sa Templo.” Isang tula ito na handog niya sa isang E, “para sa isang gabing kapiling siya.” Sinadya niyang ikubli ang sensuwal na karanasan sa matalinghagang pagdalaw ng persona sa isang tinatawag na templo ng isang libo’t isang Buddha. Bago ito para sa akin, at talagang nakapukaw sa malikot (o malisyoso?) kong isip ang enigma nitong tula. Inaalingawngaw nito ang “Lantay” ni Rebecca Añonuevo at “Ang Sabi ko Sa Iyo” ni Benilda Santos.

Sa una’y maaari tayong mahalina nang husto sa imahinasyon at pagpaparamdam na nakapaloob sa tulang ito. Ngunit sa mas matalik na pagbasa, lilitaw ang pinakamalaking suliranin: Subuking tanggalin ang pag-aalay na “Kay E., para sa isang gabing kapiling siya.” Ganoon pa rin kaya ang epekto ng tula? Maaaring sadyang malikot lamang ang isip ko sa pagkakahinuhang may “hiwagang” naganap sa pagitan ng makata at ng pinag-aalayan ng tula (ginagamit ko ang makata ngayon at hindi ang persona dahil talaga namang kumpisal ng makata itong tula). Ngunit may makapagpapahiwatig ba ng pangyayaring ito na nakapaloob sa pag-aalay kung hahayaang makatayong mag-isa ang nilikhang tula na wala ang pag-aalay? Halimbawa’y walang pag-aalay, maaaring maligaw pa tayo sa pagmumunakala halimbawa, na isa lamang Budistang ritwal ang lirikong sandali. Datapwa nilinaw naman na dumalaw nga “kagabi” sa templo ang persona na nakahubad.

Hayaan ninyong gamitan natin ng Semiotika ang paliwanag: Kung hindi makikita ang salitang “kapiling,” na napakamakahulugan (loaded)—maaaring may kaugnayan sa pagtatalik, di ako makatiyak—magkakaroon pa ba ng kahulugang nakasalig sa nasa o proyekto ng makata ang mga salitang “hubad,” “napanganga,” “bumukas,” “pamumukadkad,” at maging ng “balat”? Sa akin, hindi na siya naging sensuwal na karanasan. Mahiwaga siya, oo, pero hindi na sensuwal, na iniisip kong mithing larawan ng makata. Sa lirikong sandali na ipinakita sa atin, higit na naging balakid ang pag-aalay na ginawa ng makata sa (sandaling?) irog. Batid kong mahirap magsulat ng ganitong mga tula, ngunit maaaring balikan ang mga binanggit na tula. May tanong pa nga ako sa makata: Intsik ba si E. kaya pinili mo ang imahen ng Buddha?

 

 

 

 

 

Music :: Broken Vow - Sarah Geronimo / Mark Bautista
Mood :: sore

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