New beginnings. Yes, madaming bagay ang dapat simulan muli. At least para sa akin, para din sa family ko.

Sa April 10, mag-e-enrol ang bunso namin para sa summer class. Nagkasakit kasi siya ng hyperthyroidism, at hindi na niya natapos ang Mathematics nung high school. Dahil sa sakit niya, nahinto siya ng two years. She's doing better now under her new doctors, Dr. Marquez (Medical City) and Dr. Gomez (UST Hospital), bumabalik na ang dati niyang sigla. By May, after the summer class, she'll have her radiation therapy. Meaning, tatanggalin na ang kanyang thyroid glands. Meaning, she'll take hormone medicines for the rest of her life. Un na kasi ang last option for her. I told her na siya dapat mag-decide kung OK sa kanya un. Naihanda na namin ang mga sarili namin. Tanggap na rin na daw niya.

After one year and three months, I broke up with RJ. It was a painful decision, and one of the stupid decisions I made. He's a great catch, you know. Sa mga pang-aaliw ng (im)moral guide kong si Makoy, friendship nina Xam, Rosvie, Simon, at ni Drew, I'm struggling with my life now. I'm trying, RJ, but...

 Active uli ako magbasa. For autobiographies, I have finished those of Reinaldo Arenas, Edmund White. For novels, I'm struggling with Wallace Stegner's Angle of Repose. It has won a Pulitzer prize. Kakatapos ko lang basahin ang The Picture of Dorian Gray, Kafka on the Shore. Also, I have to start my poetry again. I'm reading Anne Sexton, a compilation of Wesleyan poets, William Carlos Williams.

Naaaliw din ako sa mga DVD na ipinapahiram ni Xam. Grey's Anatomy (McDreamy! McSteamy!). Babel. Little Children. The Queen. Camelias. Pan's Labyrinth. Notes on A Scandal. Papahiramin din daw ako ng teammate kong si Cris ng House tsaka Heroes.

Promise, I will try to update my Tabulas again. I have started adding pictures as user icons. This entry would be my first for 2007. It's a good start, right?

Happy egg hunting, kids!

1 Said So

I did something silly. I asked Jepoy Soriano, my ultimate crush, for a date. Not a romantic date, with flowers and candles and mushy stuff. Something like a coffee date, or a McDo date. Sadly, he turned me down. "Group date pa siguro... pero kung tayo lang, no way!"

Ganun siya ka-brutal. Years ago, nag-stammer pa siya kapag recitation. "Who rediscovered the Philippines?" "Ma'am..mmm.m" May pinagkakaguluhan sa second section (first section ako), super gwapo sa mga first year. May nunal sa chin, mestiso, matangkad. Pagkahaba ng mga eyelashes. Kay gaganda ng mga mata. At hindi si Jepoy yun. Pero sa kanya ako tinamaan. Syet, sapul sa heart! Si Jepoy na 5'4 lang yata nun, payatot, pinakatahimik sa klase nila, hukot. Hindi ideal guy, pero sa kanya ako na-love at first sight! Batang pag-ibig! Simula noon, araw-araw ko na syang sinisilip sa may Computer classroom (sila kasi muna bago ang klase namin). Wala siyang imik sa dulo ng kwarto (alphabetized kasi ang sitting arrangement).

Gabi-gabi niya na akong dinadalaw sa panaginip. Nawawala ang sarili ko sa mga tingin niya (feeling ko kasi ako lang ang tinitignan niya). Natutuliro ako kapag nandyan siya. Nagpaka-charming ako sa mga kaklase niya para lang makilala siya ng lubusan. Taga-Libtong, Bulacan siya, bunso sa magkakapatid, may girlfriend. Syet! Sa pagkatahimik niyang yun, may GF na pala! Lintek!

Nagkahiwalay din sila that year. Oy, wala akong kinalaman doon ha! Di ako gabi-gabing nanalangin na sana magkahiwalay sila, promise! Nang sumunod na taon, kaklase ko na si Jepoy sa first section (section Pearl). Nag-level up ang kagandahan ko that year, pakiramdam ko kasi ay itinadhana ang lahat.

Nag-field trip ang mga second year. Humiram talaga ako ng camera sa kapitbahay namin for this special event. Ang mission: makuhanan ng picture ang pinakamamahal ko. Dahil sa kagagahan ko, lahat ba naman ng 36 shots ng film ko e nandun siya. Ayun, sumambulat ang tsismis na me crush ako sa kanya. Ang mokong, umiwas na sa akin. Dun naman napabaling ang atensyon ko ke Vicson (ibang lwento ito...).

Third year, walang nangyari sa amin. Kainis nga eh. Fourth year, naging GF niya ung kabarkada ko, si Grace. Gumawa ako ng kwento tungkol sa aming tatlo, at pinatay ko si Grace sa istorya. Paghihiganti ito! The revenge! Ilang gabi akong nag-iiyak sa kinahantungan ng fairy tale ko. Nightmare pala.

Deadma na lang ako sa istorya. Naging manhid. Pero ganun nga siguro talaga. Ganun nga siguro talaga.

Nawala si Grace sa kwento nung nag-college na. Nawalan na din ako ng balita kay Jepoy. Ang alam ko lang, FEU siya nag-aral. Sa PUP ako. Minsan pala, nagkikita kami sa Recto.

Ngayon, friends pa rin kami. At inaya ko nga siya for a date. Wala lang, since professional na kami pareho, parang ayang-barkada lang. Also grabbing the chance na maaya siya, finally, for a date. Papayag kaya siya o hindi. Baka hindi ko malaman ang sagot kung hindi ko siya aayain. Good catch pa naman ang loko, painter na nakapag-exhibit na sa CCP at currently working for Manila Bulletin.

I took the risk, and has been rejected. "Group date pa siguro... pero kung tayo lang, no way!"

Ganun na nga lang siguro. Ganun na nga lang talaga ang lahat.

Music :: Sorry - Madonna
Book :: Angle of Repose - Wallace Stegner
Show :: Heroes
Mood :: silly

Anything?

*Nagagalit na yata ang mga kapitbahay ko dahil every 9 AM ay pinapatugtog ko ang latest CD ni Christian, ang "Just A Love Song." I love his new album! Pakiramdam ko, hinaharana niya ako ng personal. There is this intimacy sa pagiging live ng album niya. Christian is MINE!

TRYIN' TO GET THAT FEELING AGAIN

Christian Bautista

At any moment she'll be walking through that door
She won't find me behind it
cause the feeling is gone and
just won't come back anymore
I work so hard to find it

I've been up, down, trying to get the feeling again
All around, trying to get the feeling again
The one that make me shiver
Make my knees start to quiver
Every time she walks in

I've looked high, low
Everywhere I possibly can
But there's just no trying to get the feeling again
It seemed to disappear as fast as it came

read every book
look for every meditation and poem
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/CW2 ]
just to bring home that old sweet sensation
but it ain't no used to me, trying
to get the feeling again

Where did it run to? I thought I'd done all that I could
To keep the love burning
But whatever I've done, I just haven't done it too good
Cause all that's left is yearning

I've been up, down, trying to get the feeling again
Like a bloodhound searching for a long lost friend
could you help me rediscover
the way to re be her lover once again

read every book
look for every meditation and poem
just to bring home that old sweet sensation
But it ain't no used to me, to try and get that feeling
I want to get that feeling again

I've been up, down, trying to get the feeling again
I've been up, down, trying to get the feeling again
I've been up, down, trying to get the feeling again
trying to get the feeling again

Mood :: thoughtful

Anything?

Akala ko hindi ko matatapos ang libro ni Wallace Stegner na "Angle of Repose". Me boring parts kasi. Pero nakakaaliw ung kwento ng grandparents niya, lalo na at may interaction ang mga ito sa mga American celebrities like Emma Lazarus, Luisa May Alcott, Mark Twain, etc.

Kung ganito din kaya ang style ng pagkakagawa ng nobela tungkol sa akin,sinu-sino kaya ang mga pangalan na madadamay? Mala-Notes on a Scandal yata ang kalalabasan.

***

I've started na with Heroes. Inaantay ko na ung ibang episodes. May bali-balita na magiging villain si Peter Petrelli. Magkaka-relasyon daw sila ni Niki/Jessica, at maa-absorb ni Peter ung pagka-bad ni Jessica. Magbabalik naman daw si Simone (na straight pa rin ang buhok?) at ang tatay niya from the grave. Lalabas na me powers din sila, at mga bad sila. Si Sylar naman, magiging good boy na daw. Igu-groom daw ni Mr. Linderman para maging senator si Nathan Petrelli, at gagawa daw ito ng batas para masupil ang mga taong me super powers.

Sabi ko ke Makoy, kamukha niya si Peter. Aminado naman ang loko. Hmmm.....

***

Nadiskubre ko ang galing ng Silent Sanctuary. The band’s sound is refreshing, a great combination of rock and opera (courtesy of the violin and the cello). Hindi rin ganun ka-ingay yung tunog nila. Funny, my sister and I refer to the band as “mukhang college students”, while the Callalily (another band) as “mukhang high school students”. “Fuchsiang Pag-ibig” ang title ng album ng Silent Sanctuary. Bili na kayo!

Music :: Pink 5ive by Silent Sanctuary

5 Said So

Share ko lang 'tong tula ni mamang Elizabeth Bishop ko:

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

***

Sabi ng friend ko, "The concept of loss has long been favoured by the poets." Nakakatawa, kasi sabi sa tula, every day may nawawala sa ating mga bagay-bagay, at kadalasan, hindi na natin namamalayan na nawala na pala ito

( "so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster." ).

***

May naiwan akong libro sa food court sa Gateway. Doctor Zhivago ang libro na iyon. Hindi ko namalayan, hindi ko pala nadala after kong kumain. Naisip ko, it was bound to happen. Hindi ko feel ang libro na iyon. May ganoon ba kayong feeling sa mga libro, ung parang mabigat ang pakiramdam nyo habang binabasa ito? Ganoon ako sa Doctor Zhivago na un. Pati ung sa Public Finance kong book noong college.

Teka, baka me nakapulot nung book ko? 8 months ago pa ung insidente na yun...

***

I recently lost a relationship. One year and almost four months. Hanggang ngayon, iniinda ko pa rin ang pagkawala nun. Sabi nga sa tula:

---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

***

Ano ang latest na nawala sa iyo?

Anything?