Have you ever tried to imagine how it would be like to step inside the shoes of a famous fictional character? Do you take it as far as wishing that you were them? As a kid, I have. But there's one character who got me wishing that I was him because of an interesting twist in his relationships. Until now, I still think that it'd be cool to have a relationship that's similar to the character Rand al'Thor's.

Rand al'Thor is the main character of the fantasy series the Wheel of Time. The series itself was quite renowned, with Robert Jordan writing the first 11 books and Brandon Sanderson continuing the 12th and last book -- a book that was so long, he had to split it into three volumes. It's an adventure that's been going on for two decades, with the first book published in January 1990 and the last book yet to be completely published as of this writing.

At the start of the epic, Rand al'Thor was a simple boy in his teens, helping out his father with farmwork every now and then. One fateful night, he and his friends were chased off by forces of evil who wished to kill the Dragon Reborn, starting an adventure that helped each one of his friends come of age. They also discovered that he was reincarnation of Lew Therin Thelamon, one of the most powerful channelers (they're almost like wizards) of ages past who was also known as the Dragon for leading the Aes Sedai against the forces of evil.

What I find fascinating about this characters life was his relationships with three women: Aviendha, a warrior maiden of the Aiel, tall and red-haired with copper colored skin; Elayne Trakand, princess and heir to the throne of Andor, petite and ladylike, with blond hair and fair skin; and Min Farshaw, a woman who experiences visions of the future, with her dark hair cut in a style like a boy's. One of Min's visions was of Rand's destiny--he was to love and be loved by these three women, and as their stories progressed each one of them fell in love with Rand.

Aviendha was the first to completely fall. After being accidentally seen naked by Rand while taking a bath, she ran and teleported (she also knows how to channel) to a land where it was snowing really heavily. Seeing where she had gone to, Rand chased after her and saved her from freezing to death after she went unconscious due to the extreme cold by removing both their clothing and huddling close to her to keep her warm. When she regained consciousness she succumbed to her emotions and kissed Rand passionately, finally consummating the growing love between them.

The second to fall was Min. After an attack by evil channelers on Rand's palace, she tended to his wounds and after an argument she seduced Rand into sleeping with her. I have to admit, details of this event are sketchy to me, I don't remember exactly what happened.

Now, these three women knew each other and were actually close friends, and when they found out about their love for Rand they all accepted each other and agreed to a relationship that I haven't even read or seen about outside the TV Series Big Love--technically, they all agreed to be Rand's girlfriends. Which leads to the event that fascinates me the most.

In order to make their bonds closer to each other, the four agreed to participate in the Aes Sedai ritual of "bonding"--this would lead them to be spiritually linked, each one of them will be able to know the others' feelings and emotions. After they bonded, Elayne made her displeasure in knowing that the other two women had already consummated their love with Rand and she hadn't. She wanted to, and they had no reason to deny her. And so the princess of Andor and the farmhand boy consummated their relationship. But the "bond" ensured that Min and Aviendha knew about every bit of pleasure that Elayne felt that night, making them very uneasy and turning their faces into a deep shade of red the rest of the night.

I don't want to be Rand al'Thor, he's turning crazy and he's burdened with the responsibility of saving the world from destruction, but his relationship with these three women, well I definitely am curious about how that would be like.

1 Said So

I've already talked a bit about my father and his womanizing ways here, but I don't think I ever mentioned my mother, nor have I talked about how I was raised. It's been said that the environment and upbringing are factors to the kind of person an individual becomes, so I think I should revisit how I was raised and what my childhood was.

My mother and father were never married to each other. My father was once wed to another woman against his will--it was a shotgun wedding, as required by our society then when a couple is found guilty of premarital relations. My mother was also married to someone else. Both of them had children with their respective partners; I had a half brother at my mother's side, and two half-siblings (a brother and a sister) at my father's side. I was the only fruit of their union; hence, I consider myself as an only child (being that I had no full-blooded siblings).

When they had their relationship, they were already separated from their partners (probably not legally). My dad's marriage to his wife went on the rocks because of his womanizing; I don't know why my mom's marriage ended. They met each other because my mom's brother hung out with my dad a lot.

A year after I was born (I only found this out today, all these years I thought this happened when I was just over a month old), my mother went to the U.S. and left me to my father's care. My father soon followed, leaving me with my aunt (his elder sister). Something happened between them (I'll elaborate in a later post) that led my father to come back for me. He took care of me again until he died at the young age of 38.

Growing up, I was aware that the person taking care of me was my aunt. I knew that my dad had died, and that my mother was in another country. I wasn't kept in the dark at all--there were no real surprises waiting for me to come of age. Despite this, my mother never really contacted me (not that I know of or can remember--I can't be sure if there were any letters that never reached me) outside of a birthday card for my 3rd birthday and a picture of her and my half-siblings--plural, she re-married and had a daugher--sent to me around 1992. Outside of the knowledge that I was her son, she was basically a stranger to me.

She always intended to take me with her, that I can say. Growing up, I was filled with talks of a "petition"--she was working on her citizenship then. My grandmother said that she fell on hard times, holding one blue collar job after another, raising her other children on her own. The man she married didn't take care of them at all, I guess.

One of the life lessons that I learned, something not related to sex or sleeping around, but very important in molding me, is that I should be careful what I wish for. When I was in college, plans for my migration to the U.S. were becoming solid, and I was worried. Honestly, I didn't want to leave the life that I had for a life with a family that I never knew. I couldn't imagine the culture shock that I would be facing. I was an introvert then, it was so bad at one point that I couldn't order fastfood alone, which I got over real quick but I still have an inferiority complex even today. I wished that I didn't have to go, and I got that wish, although not exactly how I intended it. Before we finally had the chance to meet and be together, she died. I got another life lesson from her death, although not as important as the first one that I mentioned: never underestimate illnesses. She thought she had a common cold and self-medicated until it was too late. A bad case of pneumonia claimed her life. According to my grandmother, everyone was surprised, because she was a healthy person.

Today, I had the chance to ask my grandmother (she went back home after years of residing in the U.S.) about my mother, that one question that I never really thought about until recently. I asked my grandmother why my mother never established communication with me after all those years. Unfortunately, she didn't have an answer. I guess I'll never know.

While I was writing this, I felt sadness. But not enough sadness to bring me close to tears. Not even enough sadness to form that lump in my throat that I sometimes feel when I'm really sad. I feel... disconnected. I feel a sadness that's there because the story that I told was a sad one, and not because I feel sad for myself, or sad because I never really had my parents in my life. I guess I "got over it", but I think I was always over it anyway. Sometimes this emotional disconnection scares me.

3 Said So

4 Said So

"My feel for you is decaying in front of me / Like the carrion of a murdered prey"

- carrion, fiona apple

3 Said So

I guess you're supposed to get these after Thanksgiving, but I had a free evening, so I drove down to Chula Vista and picked up a tree:

Will post after pictures in a couple of days after I'm done decorating! (I love the smell of pine needles!)

A picture of the coffee table I got this past weekend (Thank goodness for the Citi Forward card with its insane points for eating out to make this affordable):

Music :: Mariah Carey - Always Be My Baby

13 Said So

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2 Said So

Ano nga ba ang nagtutulak sa tao para pumatay? Poot? Salapi? Prinsipyo? Politika?

Doon din sa Maguindanao naging "landslide" ang pagkakapanalo ni Gloria Arroyo. Sa ilang presinto roon, wala ni isa mang boto si Fernando Poe Jr. Isipin mo: kahit isa, wala siyang nakuhang boto. Ang kapal ng mukha talaga nitong si Arroyo. Malaki ang utang na loob niya kay Ampatuan. Hello Garci?!

Ngayon naalala ko ang Jabidah massacre kung saan pinatay ng mga elemento ng Armed Forces of the Philippines ang 60 kataong Moro na kanilang nirekluta. Naalala ko ang Balangiga massacre kung saan pinatay ng mga tropang Amerikano ang halos tatlong libong sibilyan sa Balangiga, Samar dahil sa paghihiganti.

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4 Said So

During our "friendship with benefits" stage, I told 4th how badly I wanted to have an MFF experience. By then, I already had an idea about her sexual preference -- she hasn't outed herself as a bisexual woman at that time, but only because she hasn't realized it yet. I figured it out based on what she's been telling me: sometimes she finds women attractive, and when I asked her if she'd be turned on by the idea of sexual relations with another woman, she admitted it.

I think I talked about 4th and our deal about her helping me experience an MFF a few months ago (post title of Three is a Crowd). Well, even before the deal, I tried to take advantage of her sexual preferences. I convinced her to agree to be a part of an MFF experience with me.

The difficult part about this kind of sexual experience is finding willing participants, and with 4th's agreement, all I needed to do was look for one more person. I was patiently scouring the Net for opportunities, but she found someone first. A friend of hers introduced her to a guy who knew someone who wanted to try it as well. Unfortunately for me, I wasn't part of the equation. 4th, this guy and his lady friend did it. I was hoping that the lady friend would be willing to try that again (this time with me included) but she never returned 4th's messages (perhaps she only wanted to experience it once and was worried about "crossing over" if she starts enjoying the same gender).

Pretty soon, I found another potential recruit. She was married (I didn't know about this until much later) and was interested in an MFF experience as well. I gave her 4th's number and banked on 4th to convince this woman to do it with us. She agreed, but on one condition--that 4th do it with her and her guy first. 4th agreed and they proceeded with the act.

Unfortunately for me, this woman never intended to join us. She told 4th that she could never see herself having sex with a man other than her guy. I was angry, partly for 4th (she had agreed to sleep with her guy just so I could fulfill one of my fantasies) and partly for me (hey, I was looking forward to the experience). But I became even angrier when the woman kept on contacting 4th to have another experience with them via messenger. I can't fathom how dense this woman is. She broke their deal and expects 4th to agree to them again?

Luckily, 4th didn't see the value of participating with them again. According to 4th, her guy wasn't able to give her pleasure (size and technique issues), and the woman was a neophyte. She felt like she was the one doing most of the work, with the couple on the receiving end and very little being given to her.

I've always considered retaliating by writing her mobile number in public restrooms and transportation and releasing her email address just to teach her a lesson in breaking deals, but lucky for her I'm too lazy to do that. Now, they're just a memory that I'd soon forget. And I still haven't experienced what I want to experience, but I'm not pursuing it aggressively any more.

13 Said So