My 2nd bought me a pair of jeans back then... It was December 2005, and the jeans were for the company Christmas party.

We broke up (I left her) last February 2006. I still continued to wear the pants even if it was a gift from her. Quite often, in fact.

Then I tripped. Literally. A few weeks after we had broken up. Tore a hole in my pants, around the knee area of the right pant leg.

Some people would say that it's a sign of her letting go. Is it? Who knows?

I stopped wearing those pants. Only wore them when I had no other options.

My 1st loved those pants. Perfect fit she says. She doesn't know where it came from. I don't want to tell her. Despite the tear, it's still a pair of pants for my wardrobe. Telling my 1st where these pants came from will result in me having one less pair of jeans.

Several years later, I couldn't take it anymore. I had the pants mended. Now, the tear is still there, but like wounds that heal, only a scar remains to remind me of what happened in the past.

Some people may say that it could symbolize healing. Am I over her? Is she over the pain that I brought unto her?

I'm wearing that pair of pants today. What could that possibly symbolize? The same pair of jeans that fit me three years ago still fits me today. I guess... I didn't gain much weight since then.

This nonsense post was brought to you by the letters E and R, and by the number 5.

5 Said So

Nagkalat ang suka sa kwarto. Nagulat ako nakayakap sa kin si Justin. Super tanggal talaga ko ng kamay niya. Grabe lang talaga. Hindi man lang nahiya sa kin. Panalo si Tom and Wesley. Hindi man lang ako nakapagbabay sa mga nagsi-alisan nung umaga. Ubos lahat nung bote ng alak. Marami pang food ang natira. Nagcheck out kami ng 12PM. NagLunch kami sa Sentro sa may Serendra. Greenhills, Eastwood, binisita si Tom. Kumain Terriyaki Boy. Umuwi. Hindi ako makahinga ngayon...

Mood :: sad

1 Said So

After posting that last video, I loaded up my Mariah Carey playlist, and that got me reminiscing back a couple of years ago.

For kicks, I loaded up my LiveJournal account to see who was active. Back before I started working on Tabulas, I spent a lot of time on LiveJournal, kicking it with some random people.

I felt a pang of disappointment when I realized I could never reach out again to most of these people (some had completely deleted their accounts, while others had just stopped posting).

People move on with their lives - I just wish I knew they were doing alright.

One of the biggest downsides to the growth of sites like Twitter & Facebook is that they've destroyed the ability for people to share their stories. I'm of the belief that all of us have a story to share, and we do a disservice to ourselves and others by keeping these stories to ourselves. The human condition is shared, and we should make the most of our ability to reason and communicate.

I used to spend hours just clicking through on LiveJournal accounts and reading on the joys and sorrows of random people. You can't do that with Facebook, Twitter, or Tumblr. I don't know if I simply grew older, or if people just don't do that anymore. I ran across a Tabulas account recently which reminded me of why I grew to cherish Tabulas so much in the early days. Unlike the false truths we throw up on sites like Facebook and Twitter to brand ourselves (even subconsciously), there's a fresh truth in reading anonymous personal entries. I read that stuff and go, "Wow, that was me. I'm not alone."

This journal used to be like that, but I've found it much harder to write like that lately. The truth is that I simply can't go into that level of detail, since most of it is work-related (or is tangentially related to work). With my position at the company, I simply can't share that, even if I'm simply being brutally honest. C'est la vie.

I'm not sure what it is, but I've been on a huge sentimental kick over the past few weeks (ever since my NC trip). For the past few years, I've really grown to appreciate my parents and the sacrifices they made for me, and seeing my NC friends again this time reminded me of all the good times I had with them. It also reminded me how well I had it to kick it with them.

But there's a huge sadness in coming to grips with the reality that as we grow up, we drift apart as friends. I guess that's why I've been getting more sentimental lately, and why I've been getting so worked up about traditional holiday activities like cooking Thanksgiving dinner with good company and putting up a Christmas tree. Every time I do these activities, it takes me back to the memories associated with those activities in the past.

Even if they were just from last year, it's amazing how much I've felt like I've grown over the past year. It's not that there were situations that drove these changes - my position inside MindTouch hasn't changed, and there haven't been anything that's changed in my personal life. I look at life a lot differently than I used to, and that's all that matters.

I know I have my job to thank for that - in a lot of ways, it forced me to grow up a lot faster. I don't know how I ended up here, but I know that it was a series of long struggles and a lot of soul-searching.

My family is healthy, I have an appreciation for those people in my life who've shaped it, I have a wonderful job, and I'm happy. I no longer struggle with insomnia on a regular basis, and I no longer question who I am or what it is I'm to do. I've found direction in my life, and I'm thankful that I have the will, the drive, the people, and smarts to push forward in that direction.

And for that, I'm thankful.

I can't believe it's been a year since my trip to Big Sur:

Music :: Mariah Carey - My All

Anything?

Check this Korean girl belting Mariah Carey's "My All":

Holy smokes! She doesn't have the fullness of Mariah - she reminds me far more of a younger Christina Aguilera... but still, incredibly impressive.

(I almost busted out laughing at 1:28, cause she lets that Korean accent slip in with that "imagining..." line)

This entry contained scripting, which has been removed for your safety. Click here to see the entry in its entirety.

4 Said So

I got a copy of How to Cook Everything: Simple Recipes for Great Food - I can't believe I hadn't heard of this book before. It's a pretty massive book (I got it used on Amazon for $8, including shipping) and it covers not only recipes, but some "theory" behind cooking - the first chapter covers when to use certain equipment and such. From a cursory glance, I'm not sure about a lot of the recipes - they seem pretty simplistic, but I definitely get the feeling that the recipes here will be something to build upon later.

I highly recommend you go out and get a copy (get it used); I'll definitely be trying out some of the recipes in this book for the next few weeks!

1 Said So

Everyone knows that physical attraction is important when it comes to dating and relationships. But from what I've observed, I think it's only important during the early phases of a relationship.

Why does a person enter a relationship with another? In general, I think people are in relationships because they are looking for a partner to spend the rest of their lives with. And when you talk about a lifetime with someone, I'd say that enough people wouldn't make looks as their main priority. Can you see yourselves being with someone who is very good-looking, but can't connect with you intellectually or emotionally even if his/her life depended on it? Can you see yourselves being with someone who's as hot as any A-List celebrity that comes to your mind, but he/she is someone who you cannot get along with at all? When it comes down to deciding on a lifelong partner, looks get pushed down by aspects such as compatibility, security, how comfortable you are with a person, how a person meets your needs, and how your similarities and differences contribute to a lifetime that's not boring. Of course, we still consider one's physical attributes, but we become a little more forgiving when it comes to our standards.

Given our end goal and what we priorities, how important is physical attraction? First of all, it is the characteristic that we can assess right away. We won't know much about a person's personality, interests, intellect, emotional aptitude, social standing, sense of responsibility right away -- it takes a lot of time to get a good idea of those. But when it comes to looks, most of the time all we need is a glance and we know whether a person is good enough for us or not. For me, physical attributes really serve their purpose in catching ones attention. Because once you have someone's attention, it won't be very difficult in showing your other aspects. Can you imagine how you can show someone how great your personality is if you fail at getting their attention?

I had lengthy conversations with a friend once about this topic. He was madly in love with someone we both knew, and I was giving him courtship advice. I don't mean to judge him, but there's no other way to say it other than saying it: he's not very good-looking. And really now, can anyone honestly say that at least half of the world's population is good-looking? I'll stray away from having an opinion and play it safe--for the sole purpose of making an example, let's say that half of the world's population is good-looking, and half isn't so good-looking. We're talking about billions of people who aren't very good-looking... That's an alarming number isn't it? I told my friend that, given his situation, he should work on making her notice his other characteristics, and the best way to do that (in his situation at least) is to become friends with her. In my opinion, as long as she doesn't see his other good aspects, she won't find him as a suitable partner. But if he's able to find some connection between them, then he's putting himself in a position to succeed.

Do you ever wonder why there are those who are very good-looking that are in relationships who aren't as good-looking as they are? I think it's because they found a connection, they found something beyond their partner's physical attributes that makes a relationship between them worthwhile. So, if you're always putting your physical standards above everything else, you might want to rethink the way you're evaluating your potential partners. Think about what you really want in a lifelong partner, and maybe with the adjusted standards you'll have an easier time finding the right person for you.

14 Said So

I talked about 4th having a date two weeks ago, and I was surprised to find out that she actually had two dates: one with a guy who appeared to be courting her, and one with a guy whom she was going to see for casual sex.

Last week, we were chatting and I asked how her date went, and when she was telling me details I got confused. Turns out she was talking about the guy who seemed to be interested in her. So I stopped her and told her to tell me about her sexual encounter first (obviously what I'm more interested in). She was glad to tell me a few details, especially how she was pleased by his technique. She then proceeded to talk about her other date, and I was surprised when she told me that she had persuaded the guy into going to a motel with her to have sex. Initially, I thought she'd be able to control herself because she just had sex a few days before, and from what she told me she was pleasured enough. So I asked her why'd she initiate the sexual encounter--she just said she couldn't help it. It was their first time to do it and she was disappointed at everything: the size of the guy's member, his passive technique, his lack of interest. Initially, I was worried about the guy stopping his courtship, but turns out she's not interested in him anymore. So I just said that she's lucky she found someone who's able to satisfy her.

Well, I spoke too soon. Today, we chatted again and she told me that she met another prospect at the same social networking website where she met the first two guys. I was surprised and confused, so I asked her why she needed to look for another guy. She said the guy she slept with last two weeks ago stopped responding to her text messages. And she told me that she was duped into paying for the motel fees--he had promised to pay her back last week. Between the guy who was rough on her, this deadbeat guy, and the subpar guy, she's been very unfortunate. This never happened before when we were still doing it, but I really don't want to continue sleeping with her because the relationship that we have right now--friends who can trust each other with each other's secrets--is great. I don't want to ruin that.

I'm guilty of keeping secrets from her though. Despite me sharing a lot in the past, I've kept a lot from her because I don't want her to feel bad. I don't want her to know that I'm still undergoing my phase, because then it brings up her insecurity: Why don't I want to sleep with her anymore? Is it because I no longer find her attractive? Is it because she no longer makes me feel good? It's none of those reasons, but when it comes to insecurity, it's hard to make women listen (no offense). So I can't tell her about what I've been writing on this blog, and despite her sharing what she's been up to lately, I can't bring myself to do the same because I don't want her to feel bad.

1 Said So

Napakasaya ko Mr. T! Hindi ko kaya iblog lahat ng nangyari nung Sabado. Nung nagcelebrate ako ng birthday ko nung Sabado. Ewan ko, siguro, I’m lost for words sa naramdaman kong love sa kin ng mga taong malalapit sa puso ko. Pamilya ko at mga kaibigan ko. Sobrang nakakataba ng puso Mr. T! Hindi ko tinangka na imbitahin lahat ng kakilala ko dahil alam kong hindi magkakasya dun at baka mag-ala Malate yung lugar, pero sa lahat ng inimbita kong nakarating at sa mga humabol ng alas tres pa, at nagparamdam sa kin na mahal nila ko, MARAMING MARAMING SALAMAT SA INYONG LAHAT. Kahit sa mga hindi nakarating, salamat pa din. Nagblog si Aubrey tungkol sa mga naganap, visit niyo na lang blog niya. HIndi ko talaga kaya iblog lahat Mr. T! Pasensya ka na. Pictures na lang kaya ko ilagay dito.

Grabe, hindi ko talaga kaya iexpress kung anong nararamdaman ko sa isang entry o sa sang daang entries. Hindi talaga magiging sapat. Susubukhan kong magblog ng isa pa tungkol dun, SUSUBUKAN KO. Ayun, naramdaman ko talaga gaano ko kamahal ng mga tao. At nung akala kong hindi na rin ako mahal ng ibang tao, I was wrong. Salamat sa alcohol. At salamat sa pagiging totoo nilang kaibigan. Salamat sa lahat. Salamat sa Diyos, sa pamilya ko at sa mga kaibigan ko. Mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal ko kayong lahat Kung may sobrang hindi ako makakalimutan nung gabing yun, idadaan ko sa line sa isang kanta na Cry ni Mandy Moore from A Walk To Remember:

“It was then that I realized that forever was in your eyes. The moment I saw you cry…”

Nakakalungkot yung kanta Mr. T! Pero ganun talaga. Alam na alam mo yan Mr. T! Dahil kinwento ko sa yo lahat.  Well, tulad nga ng sabi ko sayo dati Mr. T!, kaya kong magmahal hanggang alam kong mahal ako ng taong mahal ko. Hindi ako magsasawang magkwento hanggang kaya ko magkwento. Hanggang may pwedeng ikwento. Hanggang may pwedeng sabihin. Hanggang may pwede ipakita at ipadama. My stories won’t end. Sobrang masaya ko dahil I am surrounded by beautiful people. Mahal na mahal ko lahat kayo at napakasaya ko dahil parte kayo ng buhay ko At may kulang talaga, si Jeffrey! Wah!

Aryt, update you soon Mr. T!

2 Said So